The Dead Hate The Living (2000) Film Review 1/5

I do believe, with the foul-smelling, runny bit of cinema excrement streaking the insides of your computer via this review, that Living Corpse has now found itself a second enemy. That’s right, another addition to the THINGS WE HATE list that we haven’t made yet, even though we all hate the same things. Everyone, say hello to Sarah calls metatext, and what I call “self-referential pseudo-“Scream” bullshit that is not original anymore and wasn’t original when it was new.”

That’s what we’ve got here. I knew I was in trouble from the very beginning, when we cut back from a pretty hot scene of an undead hunk and a recently-dead, blood-splattered coroner chick dry humping on an autopsy table to, of all things, a film crew. Son of a bitch, if I hadn’t already paid for this rental, I’d go get my money back. The box said NOTHING about yet another “we’re filming a horror film but a real life horror film breaks out!” shit-festival.

You know the characters already if you’ve ever seen any of these sorts of films. Up and coming director Eric (Eric Clawson, brave of him to use his real name), his two sisters Sherry (Wendy Speake, the nice one) and Nina (Kimberly Pullis, the bitch). Throw in a pothead cinematographer, a geeky special effects guy Paul (Brett Beasdslee) with a crush on Sherry, and “the obviously going to be final girl because she’s the only blonde who isn’t a cunt” production assistant Topaz (Jamie Donahue). Long story short, the zombies are lead by a guy who looks like a skinny, not dirty, Rob Zombie (Dr. Eibon, played by Matt Stephens.)

This movie references a shit-load of horror movies, most of which are obvious to any fan of the genre, but not only does it reference the films (“This is gonna be better than Fulci!”), it goes that extra mile that only the dedicated march; they rip off the very movies they talk about. They find a gate of evil that’s a “Phantasm”-style portal to hell, they tie a zombie down and have a chat with him like in “Return of the Living Dead,” and of course the undead go looking for pussy.

Toss in some mediocre special effects, some really bad CGI, one decent plot twist that they use to get past the evil zombies, a zombie fist fight, groin-assault, lame goth kid jokes, and an extremely gay theme-song that can only be described as “fag metal,” poor acting, and you’ve got a film that is lame even by my generous standards of what counts as lame and shitty. Sigh, and the cover looked so cool.

You know, this was a Full Moon picture, but I expected a lot more out of it. Maybe they should stick to making movies about killer puppets (which look better than anything scraped together in this flick except for Sherry). This is a step down for good ol’ Full Moon. Better luck next time, me.

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