In the business I’m involved with here; you see a lot of trailers. Every movie you see, buy, or rent is chock full of mini-advertisements for other films. Sometimes you watch them, most of the time you don’t. However, after discovering the film I’m about to review, I’ve made a conscious decision to watch every trailer on every movie I check out, regardless of how it may appear to me based on title alone.
Discovered initially on my first inspection of SV Bell’s “The Night They Returned” (click the banner on the top of the page to buy it!), I started marking out right away. I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited about a trailer in my life. I mean, this trailer was probably one of the best trailers I’ve ever seen, targeted perfectly at a niche market of gore-loving perverts (AKA me), and to top it all off there’s the subject matter.
Father Carmichael Drake (Jason Cavalier, who wrote, produced, edited, filmed, and choreographed this puppy) is a priest with an axe to grind against the forces of evil. But not just any priest, mind you. Father Drake is an ass-kicking priest of action. None of that peace and love crapola they try to feed you on Sunday, no sir; this is a priest of kung-fu, gun-fu, and good-fu, taking the fight to evil on their terms, and beating the unholy tar out of them. Assisted by the combat nuns of Our Lady of the Righteous Fist Battleconvent, especially Sister Jordan Merrick (Liz Faure, who should’ve also gotten topless in “The Night They Returned”), Father Carmichael seeks to stop the disappearance of girls from the local Catholic school and finally find out the meaning of his strange dreams about a beautiful/monstrous woman.
How does Father Drake play into the war raging in hell? Why are virgin girls being sacrificed? Who is that hot-ass blonde? Where did Father Drake get that awesome leather priest outfit and bitching car? Why does this movie, made for spare change, have better acting, writing, kung-fu, special effects, and cooler outfits than“The Matrix Reloaded” and “The Matrix Revolutions” put together?
This film melds the blackest of black comedy, social commentary, kung-fu, horror, burlesque, and science fiction in a way that should be impossible to do with this degree of ease. This film is less a roller coaster than a rocket stuck up your ass and aimed straight at a brick wall. I lost count of how many times I said, out loud, “Holy shit!” while watching this movie. There is literally something for everyone, and nothing for the squeamish, overly religious, or people without a sense of humor.
Not that the film is anti-religion, or even heretical. After all, they left out the obvious pedophile priest jokes that I would have stuck in (in favor of corrupt, perverted demons and a cockney demon milkman). It just takes a different slant on religious matters than most, while providing a pretty disgusting (and funny, and horrifying) look at what hell just might be, while providing an explanation of the demons, their presence on Earth, and just who Larry (Michael Brunet) is. However, I doubt the real Devil is anywhere near as hot as the disputed leader of Hell in this flick, Necrotia (Melantha Blackthorne, who also wrote, directed, produced, edited, filmed, and looked incredibly hot in this puppy).
This movie is about as close to flawless as a first time movie can ever get. While there is a little too much exposition towards the end, and while they do leave the door wide open for the sequel, I don’t care! This is a movie whose sequel I want… no, I have to see! Necrotia’s got me by the balls, gang. I’m helpless, and I really can’t wait to see how this kung-fu odyssey plays out.
Queen Necrotia’s made a believer out of me. Run, don’t walk, and get this movie (I wasn’t going to say anything, but you COULD use the exercise). I guarantee you every single one of you will love it instantly.