What is there to say about “Jeepers Creepers”? Well… it was supposed to be a horror movie, that’s for sure. It may not have been a horror, but it sure was fucking horrible.
A few years ago, when “Jeepers Creepers” came out on DVD, my moron friend from college, Fat Neck bought it despite not having his DVD player at school with him. Of all his friends, I was the only one that had a DVD player, so of course he comes to me and bothers me until I finally give into him and let him watch the movie at my place. It’s a decision I’ve regretted ever since.
Fat Neck, by and large, has horrible taste in women, movies, liquor, and well… everything. He hates beer, for God’s sake. He’s not a man! He owns “Kiss Meets The Phantom of the Park.” He thinks Kiss is the best band on the face of the planet. Obviously this boy has problems, and me being the fucking saint that I am, I let him watch his movie on my TV.
My TV has never been the same.
I sit there and watch him watch the movie, and I spend the entire time ripping the movie to shit. I mock the horrible acting. I mock the horrible script. I mock the cheesy-as-fuck computer generated monster. I mock everything about the movie. I make it about halfway through the movie before my mockery engine runs out of gas.
The movie’s not very long, and I can barely make it to the 45 minute mark before I run out of good, funny, things to say, as well as run out of beer. Needless to say, the rest of the movie sucked even harder than the first half of the movie, because I didn’t have myself to entertain, uh, me. Even Fat Neck realized this movie sucked, which is saying something considering this is a kid who bought a WWF European Championship belt for $375.
I had one plum left, though. One I had saved throughout the entire movie, just waiting to unleash it on poor, helpless, didn’t-know-any-better Fat Neck. Now, I’m dusting this chestnut off for you, the loving reader.
“You know, you just purchased and watched a movie made by a guy who likes to fuck 11 year old boys.”
Let’s hope no one else out there has to go through this. Friends don’t let friends watch gay pedophile movies.