I am Ahab


Who cares about the war or terrorism or the price of gas when we really need to be worrying about the increase in the price of beer?! Important issues here, people! My hobbies are at stake!

If this is the result of increased usage of ethanol, then by God we need to go back to good old-fashioned whale oil to power our cars, because I pay too damn much for a six-pack of Bass as it is. Sure that’d increase the price of whale, but I don’t eat whale so I don’t care. I do drink beer, and every penny counts when it comes to brewery-fresh deliciousness.

So help me, Al Gore, if this is because of your environmentalist crapola I’m going to run your ass over with an electric car. Don’t you lecture me from your private planes and your mansions, you bastard. Get between me and my lager and you’ll find that I’m a clean-burning, energy-efficient killing machine. There is no more inconvenient truth than death, my bearded nemesis.


10 Responses to “I am Ahab”

  1. Ginger Says:

    oooh, you’re so animal when it comes to your beer… πŸ˜‰

  2. Jade Says:

    Okay, so let me get this straight: corn is now being used to produce ethanol, so there’s less corn to go towards feeding people and livestock.

    In other words, instead of death by drowning from melted ice caps or frying because of the lack of an ozone layer, we get to starve instead.

    I think I’d rather take my chances and swim.

  3. Ron Says:

    Ginger: You have no idea.

    Jade: Well, it’s not like we’d have to worry about melting ice caps or anything, because we’re not at sea level. πŸ˜€

  4. Klinde Says:

    I am with you on that…. Give me beer or give me…. Oh nevermind. It is too early to be poetic, witty or any such thing. Just give me beer….


  5. Washing My Brain In Bleach « Newscoma Says:

    […] you, Hollywood Ron (Horror Ron). Don’t scare me about beer. (I will fight zombies along side of you […]

  6. Jade Says:

    Well, supposedly we’ll ALL be at (or below) sea level if the ice caps melt, but hey, I like to swim. πŸ˜€

  7. Ron Says:

    Yeeeaah, riiight. It won’t all melt, the ice caps will just move to somewhere else. Like, when the jet stream stops, England will freeze over. So we’ll have the west and east poles instead.

  8. O.D. Says:

    Due to my alcoholic/pornoholic nature, I understand your concern. BUT…, I must say that Global Warming is an ancient issue that these so-called intelligent humanoids…seem to be just now understanding. It is almost too late for Al Gore’s realization. I’m with Ron….(fellow Government Officials) quit fuckin’ with Benjamin Franklin’s beer quote, “God made beer because he loves us and wants us to be happy.” Go easy on the damn Sin Tax, you selfish bastards! Speaking of bastards, how’s the ol’ “Sports Bastards” doing. Hi Jade…you stern competitive wench, you! Ha-ha!
    Amen mutha fuckers…….
    As far as this planet is concerned, the primitive energy sources that are currently being used…are quite crude. It reminds me of the ‘neolithic era’ that Planet Nabazire X went through, about 20,000 of your solar years ago.
    Hell, I had possesion of solar panels that fueled my interstellar beacon…years & years ago. Get a grip people! If push comes to shove, make your own beer! I’m currently working on an automated Bot (robot) that brings my beer to me…..sort of like a beer prostitute…without having to pay. Just kidding, or was I? πŸ™‚

  9. Ron Knee Says:

    Whale oil powered cars?

    Whale Oil Beef Hooked…………

  10. Ron Says:

    Mmmm, whale…

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