So I’ve been encouraged by the Squirrel Queen to start my own religion. As she said, “if L. Ron Hubbard can create his own religion, how about the church of El Ron Hollywood. Sports, zombies and beer – the religious triple threat.” Of course, being an egomaniac who owns a copy of “How To Organize and Manage Your Own Religious Cult,” I love this idea. Strangely, before I even read SQ’s post, I was talking religion with my friend Mars:
Mars: She (her mother) gets uptight when she thinks I curse and/or drink. (She pitched a fit because I ordered a single beer Friday night. A royal fit. I was astounded.) My dad won’t disown me, but she might.
Me: Well, she can sit and spin, because they drank beer in the Bible all the time and everyone wore open-toed shoes.
Mars: Hahahaha. That was the same night we got into a fight over what people will eat in Heaven. (I’m not joking.) She keeps saying she hopes there’s chicken in heaven, and I told her I doubt it. I doubt people will eat fish, either, because it requires the sacrifice of a life and the Heaven is supposed to be like Eden. She told me I’m wrong and I don’t know my bible because there’s no way God would supply those rivers filled with fish if we weren’t supposed to eat them. And I’m thinking, Uhm, yeah, that’s why he gave us rhinos, too, right?
Me: …don’t you dare drag rhinos into this discussion. They’re delicious! Delicious, I says! In Heaven, the fish have no bones and come pre-fried, it rains party liquor every day, and there’s a booth set up where you can punch Hitler for $1 a swing.
Mars: Dude… you made me LOL. My boss thinks I’m crazy now. (Never mind my hyena-like laughter…)
Ron: If that’s not heaven, I don’t know what is.
Mars: Your head carnival is a fun place.
Author’s note: I do own a copy of the book “How To Organize and Manage Your Own Religious Cult,” by Duke McCoy. It was published by Loompanics Unlimited in in 1980 and was given to me by my cousin Ivy. Blame her.