Mosh for Jesus, Inc.

So I’ve been encouraged by the Squirrel Queen to start my own religion.  As she said, “if L. Ron Hubbard can create his own religion, how about the church of El Ron Hollywood. Sports, zombies and beer – the religious triple threat.”  Of course, being an egomaniac who owns a copy of “How To Organize and Manage Your Own Religious Cult,” I love this idea.  Strangely, before I even read SQ’s post, I was talking religion with my friend Mars:

Mars:  She (her mother) gets uptight when she thinks I curse and/or drink.  (She pitched a fit because I ordered a single beer Friday night.  A royal fit.  I was astounded.)  My dad won’t disown me, but she might.

Me:  Well, she can sit and spin, because they drank beer in the Bible all the time and everyone wore open-toed shoes.

Mars:  Hahahaha.  That was the same night we got into a fight over what people will eat in Heaven.  (I’m not joking.)  She keeps saying she hopes there’s chicken in heaven, and I told her I doubt it.  I doubt people will eat fish, either, because it requires the sacrifice of a life and the Heaven is supposed to be like Eden.  She told me I’m wrong and I don’t know my bible because there’s no way God would supply those rivers filled with fish if we weren’t supposed to eat them.  And I’m thinking, Uhm, yeah, that’s why he gave us rhinos, too, right?

Me:  …don’t you dare drag rhinos into this discussion.  They’re delicious!  Delicious, I says!  In Heaven, the fish have no bones and come pre-fried, it rains party liquor every day, and there’s a booth set up where you can punch Hitler for $1 a swing.

Mars:  Dude… you made me LOL.  My boss thinks I’m crazy now.  (Never mind my hyena-like laughter…)

Ron:  If that’s not heaven, I don’t know what is.

Mars:  Your head carnival is a fun place.

Author’s note:  I do own a copy of the book “How To Organize and Manage Your Own Religious Cult,” by Duke McCoy.  It was published by Loompanics Unlimited in in 1980 and was given to me by my cousin Ivy.  Blame her.


9 Responses to “Mosh for Jesus, Inc.”

  1. Ginger Says:

    I was alarmed that you would actually own a book like this…until I read that it was given to you by Ivy…then I knew that all was still well with the universe.


  2. Mars Says:

    The most brilliant line in this conversation is: “… and everyone wore open-toed shoes.” I just about pee myself every time I read it.

  3. Jade Says:

    You never did answer my question earlier: do you prefer your rhino BBQed or or do you go for the more sophisticated rhino tartare? 😉

  4. squirrelqueen Says:

    Where do I sign up to be a rhino-eating disciple?
    I’m figuring there will be plenty of manna on the menu up in the Big House.

  5. Klinde Says:

    “…don’t you dare drag rhinos into this discussion. They’re delicious! Delicious, I says! In Heaven, the fish have no bones and come pre-fried, it rains party liquor every day”

    Rhinos and booze, sign me up!

    “Of course, being an egomaniac who owns a copy of “How To Organize and Manage Your Own Religious Cult,” I love this idea. ”

    Too, too, funny!!!

  6. Ron Says:

    Ginger: You keep thinking that…

    Mars: No kidding, dude. I love that I occasionally come up with throwaway gold.

    Jade: I told you it depends on the cut. If you can get the sirloin it makes great tartare. If you get the shoulder, you gotta barbeque it for at least 12 hours.

    SQ: You’re my first apostle, SQ. I’ll need someone to photoshop me some miracles for the upcoming Bible, too. Or as I like to call it, “The Hong Kong Book of Kung Fu.”

    Klinde: Nothing brings out the taste of rhino like booze, I tell you what.

    Ron: Don’t be so lazy and address comments individually, you bum!

  7. newscoma Says:

    She’s really bad about this. Last week, it was the Church of the Feral Rodent.
    This week, rhinos.

    I really need drugs, legal is fine.

  8. Jade Says:

    Your book should be called “The Holy and Arcane Book of Ron-fu”. 😉

  9. Ron Says:

    ‘coma, the last thing you want to do is backslide in my church. The Holy and Arcane Book of Ron-Fu has severe punishments for that, up to and including the All-Seagal Film Festival. It’s the only film festival where the survivors envy the dead, now that Uwe Boll’s Bollstravaganza has been outlawed by the United Nations.

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