Amy Winehouse: Drunken Role Model

Okay, so most of you know by now I’m a pretty opinionated guy, and one of the things I feel most passionately about is tattoos. Now, if you kids want to adorn yourself with ink, I don’t mind that. Hell, I don’t think I’ve dated a woman that didn’t have at least one tattoo, and most of them had like three or four tattoos, so I’d like to think I have some idea as to what I’m talking about. This one is mostly for the ladies, but fellas? Listen close.

If you’re offended, then that’s your fault for having lame tattoos, or tattoos so cool that everyone went out and got them, thus making them lame by association with douchebags.

Call me old fashioned, but if you’re going to get a tattoo somewhere visible, it’d better reflect you allegiance to the dark lord Satan, or possibly your biker gang. Anywhere else you’re going to get inked should be reasonably easy to cover up.

For the love of God, I never want to see the following tattoos again: Old English lettering anywhere and barbed wire bands not made out of real barbed wire. If you live in a trailer park, that’s fine. You don’t have to look like you live in a trailer park, though, so cut off the fucking mullet, get some tasteful ink (possibly the Mona Lisa with a blunt in her mouth), take out the hoop earrings, and lose the bandana. No tribal tattoos, either. Just because you tan well doesn’t mean you’re an Indian, and I’ve never seen a tribe that liked jagged, crappy-looking designs anyway.

Speaking of which, no Jolly Rogers, no nautical stars, no cutlasses, no anchors, and nothing nautical in any way. Johnny Depp’s bad Keith Richards impersonation, Orlando fucking Bloom, and punk rock posers who shop at Hot Topic have ruined pirates for the rest of us. YOU ARE NOT A GODDAMN PIRATE, SO GET THAT PARROT OUT OF YOUR ASS! The only people who can have any nautical tattoos are actual sailors, like the ones in the Navy. Jimmy Buffet is not a sailor, Margaritaville is not a place, and your 50something baby boomer butt is no place for a palm tree.

Furthermore, you’re also not a field, so you shouldn’t be covered in flowers. Unless you’re a botanist or a professional floral arranger who has happened to tattoo yourself with your favorite designs to show them off to customers. Girly is well and good, but that’s too girly. It’s trying too hard. That’s a stripper thing (if you’re a stripper, please disregard this part. Also, crawl over here and take this dollar bill out of my mouth with your breast implants).

I understand the need to hide your shameful tattoos. After all, you got your ink while drunk out one night with your girlfriends from the sorority, so you got that teddy bear somewhere nobody but your boyfriend (or anyone who looks over at you while you jiggle around in your Greek letter baby-doll tee-shirt) will see: your ass crack. Back in the day, when people wore their pants above their pelvic shelf and every college library wasn’t Butt Cleavage Row, that would’ve been fine. But now, people are getting tattooed there because they know that everyone will see their ass antlers. If you want to get something inked there above your shitbox, then get a target, because that’s what your little Tweety tattoo is going to become.

Take a lesson from Amy Winehouse. If you’re going to get tattoos, get some crazy tattoos. Get something unusual. I know you’re secretly lame and boring, and you want your tattoo to reflect that, but fight the urge to get that Tinkerbell holding a bouquet of flowers on a field of stars above the word BABY in Old English letters on your left breast.


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10 Responses to “Amy Winehouse: Drunken Role Model”

  1. Jade Says:

    What, now I can’t get a tat of Karnage on my arm? 😉

  2. Ginger Says:

    Darn, does this mean that I can’t get the Tweety tattoo on my ass cheek like one of my former my room mates did?

    hmmmm…come to think of it…I’ve never seen a dimpled Tweety…

    Perhaps I’d be more accurate with a tattoo of moon craters on my butt.

    Just sayin’…

  3. Ron Says:

    Well… I’ll allow it, this time. Only because it’s not a tribal, there’s no Old English, and Karnage is an internet superstar.

  4. Ron Says:

    Ginger, wait until you hit your 70s before you get any ass tattoos. That way you can skip the moon and go directly to the tattoo of the iron required to smooth everything out.

  5. Jade Says:

    As Lester would say, “Ooooooooooooooooooh, SNAP!” 😉

  6. Josh Says:

    You son of a bitch. I was seriously going to get a anchor tattooed on my forearm like Popeye, but you fucking ruined it for me.
    But I plan on, with the exception of my sleeve pieces, getting nothing but ironic or humorous tattoos(at least to me). My next one is going to be “My Child’s Name” on a shoulder. It is literally going to be those words.

  7. firewings Says:

    “Get that pirate out of your ass”…god, why couldn’t I have thought of that. This was hysterical.

  8. Ron Says:

    Josh, you may only comment on my blog once every two months, but you always bring great stuff when you do. That’s a great tattoo idea, and I wholeheartedly approve of it.

    firewings: Thanks! Feel free to add me to your blogroll. Like you, I was also an English major. Well, I guess I still am, but when you’re no longer going to school, it’s tough to continue having a major.

  9. eleanor Says:

    but amy winehosue breaks one of your rules by having an anchor on her stomach that says ‘hello sailor’, which is nautical. and is my favorite tattoo of hers

  10. Ron Says:

    Eleanor: I don’t consider it nautical because it’s just words, and also a famous pick-up line, which makes it perfectly okay.

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