Okay, so most of you know by now I’m a pretty opinionated guy, and one of the things I feel most passionately about is tattoos. Now, if you kids want to adorn yourself with ink, I don’t mind that. Hell, I don’t think I’ve dated a woman that didn’t have at least one tattoo, and most of them had like three or four tattoos, so I’d like to think I have some idea as to what I’m talking about. This one is mostly for the ladies, but fellas? Listen close.
If you’re offended, then that’s your fault for having lame tattoos, or tattoos so cool that everyone went out and got them, thus making them lame by association with douchebags.
Call me old fashioned, but if you’re going to get a tattoo somewhere visible, it’d better reflect you allegiance to the dark lord Satan, or possibly your biker gang. Anywhere else you’re going to get inked should be reasonably easy to cover up.
For the love of God, I never want to see the following tattoos again: Old English lettering anywhere and barbed wire bands not made out of real barbed wire. If you live in a trailer park, that’s fine. You don’t have to look like you live in a trailer park, though, so cut off the fucking mullet, get some tasteful ink (possibly the Mona Lisa with a blunt in her mouth), take out the hoop earrings, and lose the bandana. No tribal tattoos, either. Just because you tan well doesn’t mean you’re an Indian, and I’ve never seen a tribe that liked jagged, crappy-looking designs anyway.
Speaking of which, no Jolly Rogers, no nautical stars, no cutlasses, no anchors, and nothing nautical in any way. Johnny Depp’s bad Keith Richards impersonation, Orlando fucking Bloom, and punk rock posers who shop at Hot Topic have ruined pirates for the rest of us. YOU ARE NOT A GODDAMN PIRATE, SO GET THAT PARROT OUT OF YOUR ASS! The only people who can have any nautical tattoos are actual sailors, like the ones in the Navy. Jimmy Buffet is not a sailor, Margaritaville is not a place, and your 50something baby boomer butt is no place for a palm tree.
Furthermore, you’re also not a field, so you shouldn’t be covered in flowers. Unless you’re a botanist or a professional floral arranger who has happened to tattoo yourself with your favorite designs to show them off to customers. Girly is well and good, but that’s too girly. It’s trying too hard. That’s a stripper thing (if you’re a stripper, please disregard this part. Also, crawl over here and take this dollar bill out of my mouth with your breast implants).
I understand the need to hide your shameful tattoos. After all, you got your ink while drunk out one night with your girlfriends from the sorority, so you got that teddy bear somewhere nobody but your boyfriend (or anyone who looks over at you while you jiggle around in your Greek letter baby-doll tee-shirt) will see: your ass crack. Back in the day, when people wore their pants above their pelvic shelf and every college library wasn’t Butt Cleavage Row, that would’ve been fine. But now, people are getting tattooed there because they know that everyone will see their ass antlers. If you want to get something inked there above your shitbox, then get a target, because that’s what your little Tweety tattoo is going to become.
Take a lesson from Amy Winehouse. If you’re going to get tattoos, get some crazy tattoos. Get something unusual. I know you’re secretly lame and boring, and you want your tattoo to reflect that, but fight the urge to get that Tinkerbell holding a bouquet of flowers on a field of stars above the word BABY in Old English letters on your left breast.