I can’t decide if I want to be excited by what may be the goriest Rambo ever, or sad because he’s like 62 and he’s doing this. Perhaps you can call it…exsaddened. That sounds about right. I’m exsaddened by the new Rambo movie, and exsaddened that the franchises I’ve enjoyed for many years are what a relatively decent actor like Stallone (shut up, Copland was good) is stuck doing this at his advanced age.
I mean, what could the movie possibly be like?
Voice Over: They’ll have to pry his Ensure from his cold, dead hands!
[A car explodes.]
Col. Trautman: “John Rambo? I didn’t even recognise you.”
Rambo: “I’ve had botox. A lotta botox. What’s your excuse?”
Col. Trautman: “I’ve been dead for 4 years!”
[Machine gun fires into a crowd of Asian military-types of indiscriminate origin.]
VO: He’s Ramb-Older, Ramb-Oilier, Ramb-Ornerier, and he’s got Ramb-Osteoporosis!
[Rambo walks out of a modest ranch-style home, shirtless and greasy, with his trademark bow and arrow.]
Rambo: Get the hell off my lawn!
[Rambo shoots an arrow at a crowd of teenagers. It hits a car, which for no reason at all, explodes in a massive fireball, sending stuntmen flying in all directions.]
Nameless soon-to-be-dead Asian #1: What’s that smell? Old cooking grease?
Nameless soon-to-be-dead Asian #2: That’s not old grease, that’s Ben-gay, mothballs, letters to the editor…
[The Asians turn in horror. Rambo is approaching in a camouflaged, heavily-armed Rascal Scooter. As he drives forward in incredibly slow motion, the Gatling gun mounted at Rambo’s right hand fires.]
Nameless soon-to-be-dead Asians 1&2: AHHHHH!!! It’s Rambo!
[Generic rock music blares, weapons fire, stuff explodes, it’s an 80’s action montage.]
Rambo, off-screen: Turn that crap down! That’s not music, you young punks!
[The generic rock music has been replaced with The Glenn Miller Orchestra’s In The Mood. Stuff still explodes, people still die.]
Rambo, OS: That’s better. Goddamn hippies.
[Cut to a shot of Rambo with love interest Catherine Zeta-Jones, because she has a thing for creepy old guys who’ve had too much plastic surgery. Rambo holds an M-16 in the air, wearing his trademark red bandana. An adult diaper can be seen peeking above the waistband of his extremely high pleated slacks.]
VO: Rambo! He’ll break his hip, but not before breaking your face!