Achy Breaky Condom

Your weekend box-office champion? Hannah fucking Montana. Seriously.

I blame this whole ‘let’s make movies for tween girls’ trend on Titanic. Thanks a lot, James Cameron. I know you gave us Terminator and Aliens, but… dude, this is all your fault. Your stupidly long, boring, 3-hour ode to effeminate artists who drown in the North Atlantic is responsible for the superstardom of the fruit of Billy Ray Cyrus’ loins. Great job!

This is all your fault, parents of daughters. I find it interesting that, over at Den of Geek, it’s mostly male commenters, and mostly dads of daughters within the Hannah Montana sphere of interest who express their dismay over the phenomenon. No moms, wives, or members of the cult of labia have shown up to defend the latest bit of pseudo-girl power fluff. I feel bad for all dads with daughters, but respect their ability to put up with this horrible fate.

Thank God, yet again, that I don’t have any kids (that I know about). If I ever have a daughter, she’d better love zombies and cheesy sci-fi, otherwise I’m in serious trouble. Wake me up when she grows a mullet and starts covering her dad’s greatest hits, or when she ‘accidentally’ releases a sex tape on the internet in a couple of years to resurrect her flaccid career.

Author’s Note: In middle school, one of the things we did in gym class was learn to line dance. We learned the electric slide (so I can fit in with black people) and the Achy Breaky (so I can fit in with trailer park get-togethers). This is why I don’t dance in public, except at lesbian bars with Jonathan Richman. The shame of forcing someone to boot scoot is still palpable.


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5 Responses to “Achy Breaky Condom”

  1. moonbeammcqueen Says:

    Hi- I made my way over from Idea Jump. Actually, I think somehow the Spice Girls are to blame for all of the middle school wanna be pop star stuff. Maybe not, I just want want to blame them for something.

    Mostly I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for the link to the Jonathan Richman link. I have loved him since the Modern Lovers.

  2. Ron Says:

    That’s a good idea. I kind of forgot about them. I guess the shock treatments were successful in repressing that part of my brain.

    I’m glad you’re digging the Johnathan Richman link. I’ve gotten to be a big fan since a guy at work turned me on to the first Modern Lovers album. I also found a great/rare performance of him and Ernie Brooks doing Roadrunner at Joey Ramone’s birthday party in 1998 that I almost used instead of that.

  3. dylan555 Says:

    That’s an excellent point about Titanic. This shitty trend has been building for at least ten years. Part of the problem is that tweens are now given money to spend and they get to decide how to spend it.

  4. Ron Says:

    Not only are they given money to spend, they’re given more money than I ever got when I was that age. Hell, I was getting a dollar a week in allowance when I was in the Hannah Montana age bracket (if that). You can’t buy crap with a dollar now, and you couldn’t buy much with that very same dollar in 1992.

  5. steve Says:

    What an asshole. Keep your opinions to yourself, now there’s a thought about how to improve the world.

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