Steven Seagal is going to punch me in the groin

Have you seen the advertisements for the 2007 Steven Seagal classic, Urban Justice, on Spike TV? They picked up the cable rights as part of their Movies for Guys series, and as such, it’s the only Movie For Guys they’ve had on that has more than one person in it you’ll recognize. I’m sure it cost them as much as two reruns of CSI.

Steven Seagal stars as a man with a dark and violent past who seeks vengeance for… well, whatever he’s seeking vengeance for doesn’t really matter, because ‘violence-prone angsty guy with a ponytail’ describes every Steven Seagal character ever. He’s fatter than ever, more leathery than ever, and even more incomprehensible than you remembered, but he’s back and he’s completely without irony yet again! Co-starring Eddie Griffith, whose career must be completely over, and featuring Road House 2: Last Call’s Cory Hart (he does not race motocross, nor does he wear sunglasses at night, sadly). Also, Danny Trejo in it, which means it’s automatically the best Seagal movie since Executive Decision, because Danny Trejo is a fucking beast.

I say all this having only seen the trailer and the following YouTube clip, which pretty much cements this film’s greatness.

Steven Seagal smashes more testicles than a clog-dancing stripper with an inner ear disorder. This film has more deflated balls than the Spaulding factory outlet store. I think I need an ice pack just from watching that clip.

I think the only reason Seagal smashes so many balls is because that’s as far as he can raise his leg, but his fat laziness is no excuse for crushing more gonads into powder than a Chinese folk remedy pharmacy. Seriously, do a little stretching and try to kick above the waist, or just kick the guy in the kneecaps. Better yet, why not just punch the guy if your days of being able to kick higher than your gunt are over?

Lay off the testicle-based attacks, Cock Puncher. You’re going to end up with scrotum prints in all your loafers if you keep this up. Did you really need to kick that guy in the junk four times? Or grab that other guy by the coin purse like that? Anybody who makes the most brilliant beverage commercial of all time (and ruins my idea for a Seagal-based spoof movie I’ve had since 2000) should have more pride in himself than to spend 90 minutes scrambling some guy’s DNA while whispering nonsensical philosophy like yarbles-mangling Buddha.

I need a bag of ice to sit on.

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8 Responses to “Steven Seagal is going to punch me in the groin”

  1. Anthony Says:

    Well, you can’t argue against its effectiveness. Maybe big Steve just like the feel of ball sack on his foot.

  2. Josh Says:

    I thought that Seagal cut that ponytail awhile ago, and he was just going with the slicked back guido look. I mean, sure, in a couple of months he could have a totally rad ponytail, but not at the moment.
    I was thinking of watching this movie, but only if he was a former cop/special agent/chef/forest ranger with a dark secret past…a dark secret past of breaking peoples’ fucking arms and smashing them in the face with them.
    And did I ever tell you how I threw Danny Trejo in front of a subway train? Yeah, it was in one of those Def Jam games, but whatever. You should have seen the look on his face.

  3. Ron Says:

    Anthony: Good point. He is kind of weird, that Mojo Priest.

    Josh: I’m not really sure what kind of hair he’s got now, but in my mind’s eye, he will always have a pony tail and he will always wear a sleeveless Asian woman’s dress with a Nehru collar. He will have an electric guitar across his back, and testicles against both his feet.

  4. Steven Seagal is a man-hating feminist « Subtle Bluntness Says:

    […] Subtle Bluntness « Steven Seagal is going to punch me in the groin […]

  5. “I think it is safe to say Ron is a moron.” « Subtle Bluntness Says:

    […] in my blog post. Do you mind? Anthony: go for it those evil hobbitysy ball kickers must have read your Steven Seagal post Anthony: Sorry to laugh at your pain, but I keep imagining a gang of hobbits kicking your […]

  6. Josh Says:

    Steven Seagal has to wear his long hair with a ponytail, its the Bushido Samurai code he lives by, he never cut it off, in most his movies where has shorter hair, it wasnt cut, they just slicked it up in the back to make it look cut, but he has always had long hair, and always will have the long hair.

  7. Josh Holliman Says:

    Steven Seagal has to wear his long hair with a ponytail, its the Bushido Samurai code he lives by, he’s never cut it off, in most his movies where has shorter hair, it wasnt cut, they just slicked it up in the back to make it look cut, but he has always had long hair, and always will have the long hair.

  8. Van Damme fan Says:

    Seagal?! Old, fat shit…A 7-or 8 yers old kid is k.o. this old guy:)
    Seagal, please stop making movies, you are a joke:D

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