Have you seen the advertisements for the 2007 Steven Seagal classic, Urban Justice, on Spike TV? They picked up the cable rights as part of their Movies for Guys series, and as such, it’s the only Movie For Guys they’ve had on that has more than one person in it you’ll recognize. I’m sure it cost them as much as two reruns of CSI.
Steven Seagal stars as a man with a dark and violent past who seeks vengeance for… well, whatever he’s seeking vengeance for doesn’t really matter, because ‘violence-prone angsty guy with a ponytail’ describes every Steven Seagal character ever. He’s fatter than ever, more leathery than ever, and even more incomprehensible than you remembered, but he’s back and he’s completely without irony yet again! Co-starring Eddie Griffith, whose career must be completely over, and featuring Road House 2: Last Call’s Cory Hart (he does not race motocross, nor does he wear sunglasses at night, sadly). Also, Danny Trejo in it, which means it’s automatically the best Seagal movie since Executive Decision, because Danny Trejo is a fucking beast.
I say all this having only seen the trailer and the following YouTube clip, which pretty much cements this film’s greatness.
Steven Seagal smashes more testicles than a clog-dancing stripper with an inner ear disorder. This film has more deflated balls than the Spaulding factory outlet store. I think I need an ice pack just from watching that clip.
I think the only reason Seagal smashes so many balls is because that’s as far as he can raise his leg, but his fat laziness is no excuse for crushing more gonads into powder than a Chinese folk remedy pharmacy. Seriously, do a little stretching and try to kick above the waist, or just kick the guy in the kneecaps. Better yet, why not just punch the guy if your days of being able to kick higher than your gunt are over?
Lay off the testicle-based attacks, Cock Puncher. You’re going to end up with scrotum prints in all your loafers if you keep this up. Did you really need to kick that guy in the junk four times? Or grab that other guy by the coin purse like that? Anybody who makes the most brilliant beverage commercial of all time (and ruins my idea for a Seagal-based spoof movie I’ve had since 2000) should have more pride in himself than to spend 90 minutes scrambling some guy’s DNA while whispering nonsensical philosophy like yarbles-mangling Buddha.
I need a bag of ice to sit on.
Tags: aching testicles, cock puncher, danny trejo, executive decision, groin attack, kicked in the balls, random mumbling, spike tv, steven seagal, technorati tags I am using just to see the horrifying s, urban justice