I just saw Mirrors this week. Here’s my review, if you’re interested. I’ll give you some time to have your personal assistant read it to you.
Okay, are you done? Good, good. Let’s continue.
Listen, Kief… can I call you Kief? Too bad. Anyway, Kief, you’re on a hit TV show where you play the indestructible secret agent Jack Bauer. You run around and shoot all the terrorists, save America, and never once shower or go to the bathroom in the course of 24 hours. It’s a big hit, everyone loves it, everyone loves you, and life has to be pretty sweet when you’re not drunkenly assaulting Christmas trees.
There’s a problem, though. The show 24 is on hiatus until 2009. Most actors who play a well-known TV character end up getting typecast, because everyone looks at you and they don’t see David from the Lost Boys, they see the guy who has been killing terrorists on TV for years. Most actors, when given a break from their series, immediately go out and try to make a movie that will remind everyone that the face on TV is that of an actor who can play any sort of role.
But not you, Kief. You’re different enough, and drunk enough, to go out during your break from playing a gun-toting, mystery-solving, terrorist-chasing badass to… play a movie where you play a gun-toting, mystery-solving, ghost-chasing badass. You used your break from 24 to make a crossover movie between The X-Files and 24. Congratulations, you fucking genius.
I look forward to seeing you on Sci-Fi Channel Original Pictures chasing horribly-done CGI gorillas 5 years after 24 comes to a close.