Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) review

I kind of want to say George Lucas raped my childhood with his CGI animated version of The Clone Wars, but he didn’t. He just… disappointed my childhood, like he couldn’t even properly brutalize my good memories of Star Wars. It’s a little like expecting to be molested by your drunken stepfather, but then realizing he likes your brother better. You’re kind of glad you didn’t get what you thought you were going to get, but you still feel a little rejected and confused.

Of course, I’ll probably still watch the TV series, because I’m still hopelessly a Star Wars fan, but the love in my heart for Luke and Leia and Chewie isn’t what it once was.

Death Race (2008) Review

I have a problem with any movie based heavily on cars. They always affect me a bit too much, and usually not for the best. Here’s an example:

After I saw Grindhouse, I sped all the way home. Not just like a little speeding, I mean a lot speeding. I had the highway to myself, so I just put the hammer down. Not all the way, but farther than I usually speed. After watching Paul W.S. Anderson’s remake of the 1975 cult classic Death Race 2000, I wanted to strap some .50 caliber machine guns onto the roof of my 1992 Buick four-door and drop a chunk of 6-inch-thick steel armor plating onto the jerk who tailgated me all the way home.

If you’re ready to go out and run down old ladies for extra points, read my Death Race review here. Actually, they took out the points system in this one, which is a shame. I loved the scene below.

Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a 100% red-blooded American sense of humor!

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) review

The Mummy 3 is, without a doubt, a dumb movie. Just when things seem like they’re getting more reasonable, something insane shows up and makes the movie that much crazier. Brendan Frasier is carved from a block of maple. Maria Bello has nothing to work with. There’s not enough Jet Li or Michelle Yeoh, and too much Luke Ford. They’re blatantly setting up the franchise for more sequels. The CGI (aside from the battle scenes) is dodgy at best. There’s not an actual, factual mummy.

Other than all that, it was surprisingly fun. I wouldn’t rent it on DVD, but seeing it on the big screen makes it more palatable. I shouldn’t have liked it, yet I have to say it’s more entertaining than X-Files: I Want to Believe.

The Dark Knight (2008) Review

The Dark Knight is quite possibly the most hyped film of the year, thanks to the death of Heath Ledger. As it turns out, the second of Christopher Nolan’s Batman films might also be the best film of the year as well. Check out my comprehensive review at Den of Geek.

Honestly, this movie was so good writing the review was practically impossible. It’s so much easier to shred a movie for being bad, but when a movie is so great I have absolutely nothing to complain about? There’s nothing harder than that. I even tried to think of one thing to bitch about, but I had nothing! This might be the best comic book movie of all time. (Yes, better than X-Men 2, Spider-Man 2, and even Iron Man.)

Hellboy II: The Golden Army Review

Hellboy says click the links... or else

If you’re interested in my thoughts on Hellboy, Guillermo Del Toro’s genius with visuals, the funniest movie singalong in some time, and of course my man-crush on the awesome Ron Perlman, click here and read my Den of Geek review of Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Featuring absolutely gorgeous cinematography and special effects (practical effects, not just CGI), Hellboy II could show George Lucas how to do CGI without overdoing CGI.

If that’s not enough for you (and I know it’s not, because you’re all insatiable for the stuff I love), then click further into the website and check out DoG’s exclusive interview with Hellboy II director Guillermo Del Toro as he chats all things Hellboy, The Hobbit, and how he’s become the guardian angel of first-time directors after his horrible experience working on Mimic.

The Incredible Hulk makes me want to cry green tears

I’ll link you to the whole box office report, but for those interested in my take on the travesty that was The Incredible Hulk, I’ll paste the cromulent part below. Feel free to click on through to Den of Geek, though. There’s lots of other good stuff there to keep you edutained.

The Incredible Hulk rode a wave of mostly positive press (aside from DoG’s own Sarah), but most of that praise was apparently undeserved marking out for Tony Stark, because The Incredible Hulk was an Incredible Disappointment. Abysmal CGI, William Hurt’s distractingly bad mustache and hairpiece, bland acting (aside from Tim Blake Nelson, whose first appearance is shocking because he’s the first actor in the film with a little bit of energy), bad casting (Liv Tyler, really? Professor Arwen?), and more aimless running around than a track meet makes for a pretty lousy movie.

I’m not sure how this film is getting such passionate responses from the Marvel fan base, except for the fact it’s Ed Norton and not some Australian guy. Maybe I expected too much from the guy who wrote Elektra, I don’t know. After watching the film I felt as though my hopes and dreams had been crushed by a giant green CGI foot. If it’s okay for the Hulk to have facial expressions, it’s probably okay for Bruce Banner to act like he’s awake. It’s not Fight Club 2.

It goes without saying that I was, am, and continue to be very disappointed in that movie.

Steven Seagal is going to punch me in the groin

Have you seen the advertisements for the 2007 Steven Seagal classic, Urban Justice, on Spike TV? They picked up the cable rights as part of their Movies for Guys series, and as such, it’s the only Movie For Guys they’ve had on that has more than one person in it you’ll recognize. I’m sure it cost them as much as two reruns of CSI.

Steven Seagal stars as a man with a dark and violent past who seeks vengeance for… well, whatever he’s seeking vengeance for doesn’t really matter, because ‘violence-prone angsty guy with a ponytail’ describes every Steven Seagal character ever. He’s fatter than ever, more leathery than ever, and even more incomprehensible than you remembered, but he’s back and he’s completely without irony yet again! Co-starring Eddie Griffith, whose career must be completely over, and featuring Road House 2: Last Call’s Cory Hart (he does not race motocross, nor does he wear sunglasses at night, sadly). Also, Danny Trejo in it, which means it’s automatically the best Seagal movie since Executive Decision, because Danny Trejo is a fucking beast.

I say all this having only seen the trailer and the following YouTube clip, which pretty much cements this film’s greatness.

Steven Seagal smashes more testicles than a clog-dancing stripper with an inner ear disorder. This film has more deflated balls than the Spaulding factory outlet store. I think I need an ice pack just from watching that clip.

I think the only reason Seagal smashes so many balls is because that’s as far as he can raise his leg, but his fat laziness is no excuse for crushing more gonads into powder than a Chinese folk remedy pharmacy. Seriously, do a little stretching and try to kick above the waist, or just kick the guy in the kneecaps. Better yet, why not just punch the guy if your days of being able to kick higher than your gunt are over?

Lay off the testicle-based attacks, Cock Puncher. You’re going to end up with scrotum prints in all your loafers if you keep this up. Did you really need to kick that guy in the junk four times? Or grab that other guy by the coin purse like that? Anybody who makes the most brilliant beverage commercial of all time (and ruins my idea for a Seagal-based spoof movie I’ve had since 2000) should have more pride in himself than to spend 90 minutes scrambling some guy’s DNA while whispering nonsensical philosophy like yarbles-mangling Buddha.

I need a bag of ice to sit on.

Transformers (2007) Film Review

Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is a normal high school student, trying to save up for a car, get good grades, and get the girl of his dreams, Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox). Unfortunately, the old Camaro his father buys for him turns out to be an interstellar robot and Sam finds himself in the middle of an intergalactic war between good and evil. I know the feeling. When I bought my last used car, the pouch behind the passenger seat was full of rap tapes from the 90’s.

I think everyone had reservations about Transformers when it was announced that Michael Bay, purveyor of big, dumb action films, would be the man in the director’s chair. Adding to those problems was the news that the film would be, gasp, live action, rather than the traditional animation we’d all grown up with. Pins and needles all around, especially for those of us who aren’t Bay fans.

Then the credits rolled, and Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen, the original and only voice of Prime) delivered the opening line…

I know you want more, so here’s the plan, Autobots.  Read the rest of my Transformers review over at Den of Geek.  Register, leave comments, Digg the story, take your shoes off, and hang out awhile.  In that order.

because of silently popular demand

Because of popular demand, or because I don’t have any ideas about anything to write at the moment, I’m going to link you guys to some of the other Den of Geek pieces I’ve written from back in the day.  Well, at least the ones I can still find, because on that website there’s no decent archive system and things tend to disappear into the aether and I don’t feel like hunting them up again.

Anyway, on with the self-promotional link dump!

Ron reviews Spider-Man 3 and absoultely shreds Kirsten Dunst.

A tribute to deceased maverick filmmaker Bob Clark in which I try not to mention “Superbabies.”

Speaking of Spider-Man 3, here’s a list of five of the worst sequels ever (including that crime against humanity, Blues Brothers 2000).

So yeah, go there, check me out, Digg me, register and leave comments, do all that groovy stuff that I know you kids are good for.  The more hits and comments I get, the better I look.  The better I look, the more likely I’ll be able to con someone into giving me a job in the legitimate media (or at least pay me to blog).

Hot Fuzz (2007) Film Review 5/5

Two things are going to unfairly harm this film: its Britishness and the timing of its release. HOT FUZZ has the misfortune of being released here in America only a few short days after an attention-craving stalker maniac shot 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech University. Not the best time to release a film in which lots of gunplay and action sequences are prominently featured. A lot of great films have been harmed by circumstances outside of studio control, and I hope this will be given a fair shake, because it’s a certified classic.

The more action movies you’ve absorbed over the course of your life, the more you’ll appreciate Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg’s incredible action movie/spoof/homage, HOT FUZZ. Like the classic SHAUN OF THE DEAD was to zombie movies, HOT FUZZ is a direct hit, on point send-up of buddy cop action films. Hold on, I’ll get back to this in a minute. Allow me to digress.

Everyone praises Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg, for obvious reasons. Wright is the director. Pegg is the star of the show. The two men wrote the script. That’s all well and good, but that leaves out the person who is most responsible for the success of these projects, and who doesn’t get any credit: Nick Frost.

Where’s the love for the lovable lug of a second banana (or as they say in Britain, bananer)? In a movie such as this, the buddy cop movie, the sidekick is significantly more important than the lead character. The lead is boring, studious, by the book (or alternately he’s a borderline psychopath) and it is only through the effort and friendship of the sidekick that he loosens up, shows a little humanity, and learns to embrace a life that isn’t all about doing things by the procedural (or to not be a psychopath all the time, but this is a film about a by-the-book cop, not a loose cannon).

Nick Frost’s character, Daniel Butterman, is the counterpoint glue to the lead character, and if he’s not done well, the whole film falls apart. There needs to be chemistry between his character and the lead, and we need to care about the sidekick so when he’s put into danger (and they always are, since they’re the sidekick), we care whether or not he gets saved. Every time Daniel and Nicholas are on screen together, there’s a natural chemistry. You can tell these two are good friends off-screen, and it translate into a great on-screen relationship. Toss in an incredible supporting crew of actors (especially Jim Broadbent), and you’ve got yourself a winning ensemble.

This is, without a doubt, the best black comedy since SHAUN OF THE DEAD (what a surprise, huh? I wish I could have reviewed this movie without constantly comparing it to SHAUN, but those are the breaks). This film starts off well and only picks up steam until the ludicrous and hysterical closing act, working as both an action film and a send-up of action films, without any of the snide superiority of, say SCARY MOVIE and more of a NAKED GUN feel.

I cannot recommend it strongly enough, so get off your arse and go give it a look. Just be careful. There are a lot of accidents out there.