Archive for the ‘Living Corpse’ Category

Internet Fame, Thanks to James Gunn

July 7, 2008
Ron adjusts to his new no-coffee lifestyle

Ron adjusts to his new no-coffee lifestyle

As I was glancing through the list of incoming links to my blog, I noticed something. A strange reference link coming to here from Wikipedia. As I’m not a Wikipedia editor, and I’ve never made any changes to Wikipedia to add anything I do for any of these various websites and magazines, I was confused. What could have possibly driven a Wikipedia user to my humble commode?

I clicked over to follow the link and lo and behold, there’s my interview with James Gunn from Living Corpse is linked in the references section on the Dawn of the Dead wiki page. It’s link number four, and it mentions James Gunn’s re-imagining of the original Dawn of the Dead. Amazing how things get around, isn’t it?

If any other Wikipedia editors are reading this, feel free to add links to all my movie reviews, interviews, and et cetera to various Wikipedia pages. The last thing I’d ever complain about is free publicity!

no blood for lolcats

April 29, 2008

Cats get a bad rap these days. Now, there are a lot of dumb cats out there, but the future President Happycat is doing a lot to break down the old stereotypes of LOLcats as ignorant, with a little help from former MST3K writer and Rifftrax personality Bill Corbett. What’s Mabel doing to end discrimination against animals again? Nothing, considering she turned a blind eye to this horror.

We can all has dignity, kitteh.

in which Ron is famous as hell

September 11, 2007

Many moons ago (actually about two years ago), I got my hot paws on a copy of the greatest independent Canadian action-horror-topless nun movie ever, Sinners and Saints. I reviewed the film, gave it great marks, interviewed the writer/director/producer/star Melantha Blackthorne, and it really helped kick open some doors for me in Canada that I’ve since slammed shut after letting the Living Corpse project die after about two years and my own falling off the face of the earth for about 6 months.

Anyway, long story short, I’ve kept in touch with Melantha and the S&S gang, and years ago when she read my review she said that if I didn’t mind, she’d pull a quote from my review and put it on the box. Of course, I complained greatly, but gave in eventually (or not, considering I nearly pissed myself in excitement over having something I wrote make it onto someone’s DVD box). Anyway, long story short, I finally got Mel to send me over a scan of the box art, and here it is below.

Sinners and Saints box art

Click here to further embiggen.

Since I know some of you are blind (at least in one eye), I cropped out my quote (right below that of Rue Morgue Magazine, hee!) and here it is, big as life:

Ron's awesome pull quote

Click here to embiggen (for the extra blind).

I’m famous, bitches!

Nashville Screenwriting Conference (last year) and Hero Worship

June 8, 2007

Ron: I’m trying to decide if I want to go to the Nashville Screenwriting Conference again this year, even though I don’t have a script. They do have a thing on writing as part of a writing team, which might be what I need…

Sarah, she who Hates Your Movie: I reckon, if you can go, you should.

Ron, after checking the website: Well, since it was last weekend, I suppose I don’t have to worry over it now. D’oh.

Sarah: Oh. Arse. That sucks.

Ron: I went last year, obviously. That’s how I met and fell in love with James Gunn.

Sarah: Yes. I remember. 🙂

Ron: We haven’t announced it yet, but our gay wedding will be in August, followed shortly by our gay murder/suicide.

James Gunn & Ron

I have to confess, I do love James Gunn (SLiTHER, Dawn of the Dead, Scooby-Doo, Doo2, etc.) with a surprising vehemence. He’s one of the first real Hollywood stars I’ve met, and the first internationally-famous person to allow me to interview him for my former little hobby website, Living Corpse.

You can read the interview here, since I know you’re just itching to do so. Which, honestly? You should get that itching checked out. I don’t think that’s normal.

Living Corpse Interviews: James Gunn

June 27, 2006

After first meeting James Gunn at the Nashville Screenwriters Conference, badgering him about “Tromeo & Juliet,” and slipping him this website URL, your intrepid pal Ron decided, out of the blue, to message Mr. James Gunn, world-famous screenwriter and director, and ask him for an interview.

Of course, when he actually responded to the dumbass note from MySpace user “Ron Von Killyourfamily,” I was amazed. I figured I wouldn’t get a response, and because of this, I hadn’t actually thought up any questions that weren’t retarded. Thankfully I came up with a few (or stole them from Troy, Sarah, and J.K.). My wisdom is in bold; his wisdom is in eye-catching normal text.

Firstly – my great-grandmother on my mother’s side was a Von Killyourfamily. Do you think we’re related?

It’s possible. Let me dig up a picture of the two of us side by side, and we’ll let the world be the judge.

James Gunn & Me

I think there’s a definite resemblance. We both have the legendary Von Killyourfamily blurriness. Anyway, enough family reunion, let’s talk turkey.

At the Nashville Screenwriters Conference, a common thread was the idea of writing a script to work as actor bait. Generally, when you write a movie, do you have specific actors in mind for your characters?

No. Almost never. Sometimes I’ll write for friends who will actually be in the movie — such as the role of Alien Orphan for my brother Sean in “The Specials.” I considered Michael Rooker for Grant Grant when I was writing “SLiTHER,” but I didn’t actually write it for him. I think when you use a script for actor bait, you have to be sure to write great characters that people want to play. I think that’s how a script as actor bait works.

You have a graduate degree, and I dropped out of graduate school. Do you find having your Masters has been a positive development in terms of your writing abilities and getting your foot in the door?

In terms of my writing abilities, probably. I was focused exclusively on writing while I was in school. In terms of getting my foot in the door, it didn’t help very much, no.

In “Slither,” having Jack MacReady (Gregg Henry) go off about not having a Mr. Pibb really connected with our reviewer J.K. It showed that these were real people in a very unreal situation. How important is it to you to include natural occurrences such as this in the fantastical films like you make?

Completely. In the bits of dialogue, in the character reactions. I want to believe my people are people, no matter how outlandish the situation.

And thus ends the educational portion of our evening. Now it’s time for the fun stuff! James, I heard you have an Uwe Boll story. Instead of me recounting it third-hand, would you mind recounting it for our readers second-hand? LC ace reviewer Sarah has an inappropriate love for Uwe Boll’s “House of the Dead,” (and she’s going to be an extra in his upcoming disasterpiece “Postal) and it’d make her day to hear it recounted here, where it can be done proper justice.

I think all of the fans of “House of the Dead” are extras in “Postal.” That’s why you see the same three extras in every scene. Do I have an Uwe Boll story? I’ve met him a couple times. He is a perfectly pleasant guy. I also know that he got into the water and saved a drowning dog out of the river in Romania while shooting “Bloodrayne.” Then he adopted it. I’m a dog lover, so anyone who does that can’t be all bad.

That would be the Uwe Boll story. I must confess, the first time I heard it, I was sure that Uwe was going to eat the dog at the end.

Being so readily available on MySpace, do you get a lot of people harassing you to check out their sites and movies (or is it just me)?

I get people asking me ALL TYPES of things on MySpace, some of which are hard to believe. But, overall, people on MySpace are remarkably pleasant. It is a much more positive atmosphere than some other sites. I think I’ve only received 2 hate mails on MySpace since I first logged on. Of course, I go under the name “Grant Grant” and people have to do some searching to even know it’s me.

Not anymore! Your secret has been revealed to all 100 readers of this website!

Speaking of hate mail, You’ve mentioned before that you’ve gotten more than your fair share of nasty letters thanks to “Dawn of the Dead.” What are some of the best pieces of hate mail you’ve gotten?

These are real quotes from some emails I got when it was announced I was writing the remake:

”You’re another one of those guys i could fill a few a freaken swimming pool that wants or has taken a movie that was incredible.”

”you’re just some guy that evolved from being in diapers that wants to steal his shit and ruin it.”

“You have not decency and no love for the genere…”

“…people like me whom you may have been at one time hate…”

“Look, Dawn is like a second nature to me…”

I must admit, the comments gave me pause. ‘Hm,’ I thought. ‘It is true. I was evolved from being in diapers. Maybe I’m not the right man for the job.’ And, yes it pained me to admit it but a few of me could fill a freaken swimming pool. However, in the end, I forged on despite these great thinkers.

You’re a man of many talents screenwriter, novelist, actor, producer, director is there anything you WOULDN’T do? If you could act with/write for/direct anyone, who would they be and why?

I don’t think much about this. But I would love to work with Rhett Miller, the lead singer of the Old 97’s at some point. I think he’s a fantastic songwriting talent. I would also love to get some of my heroes to do small roles – Alice Cooper, Elvis Costello, Stephen King. These people all affected my life growing up. I’ve met them all, but I’d love to work with them on something at some point.

Seeing the success and controversy you’ve had with your reimagining of “Dawn of the Dead,” would you be willing to ever ‘reimagine’ another film in the future, and if so, what film or films would you choose?

Yes, I would consider a couple. There aren’t too many. But a couple light my wick a bit. I can’t discuss now, because I’m actually in the process of considering.

What do you think about the state of American horror, seeing as how the abominable “Phat Girlz” managed to outgross “Slither”? What’s the future of horror? Would you prefer the gory, ultra-sadistic, or the old-school suspenseful horror?

Well, I like all types of horror, just like I like all types of films, depending on whether they’re well made or not. I think the first “Saw” was great, and I like “Hostel” a whole lot. But there are a few of them that just suck shit. The state of American horror is Iffy.

What was the last film that scared you so bad it kept you up at night?

I don’t remember the last film that kept me up at night. I was probably pretty young – it was probably either the re-release of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” the first “Hellraiser,” or “Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.” Those three movies seriously fucked me up, after I was in my teens. Other than that, I don’t get scared too easily. Strangely, there were a couple of frightening moments in “The Exorcism of Emily Rose.” That film was one of the only movies that creeped me out over the past couple years — and it was PG-13!

Speaking of “Henry,” is Michael Rooker as scary as he looks?

Hardly. He’s a muscle bound puppy dog. He’s the sweetest guy around.

On the topic of puppy dogs and Michael Rooker, if you were to complete the Doo trilogy, would you craft a tale such as “Scrappy: Portrait of a Serial Killer”?

Believe it or not, I actually wrote an outline for SD3 that I liked an awful lot. But I just don’t have the energy to keep going with it once again. But it’s not just Scooby. I won’t do DOTD 2 either. Sometimes you just reach your limit, no matter how much money they offer you.

“SLiTHER” failed to have any nude scenes for Elizabeth Banks. Is there any way this can be fixed in the DVD release?

Only if they insert the footage from the hidden camera I put in Elizabeth‘s trailer. I heard there were legal issues with this, however.

To get you out of the doghouse, I’ll praise your lovely wife, Jenna Fischer from “The Office” (which you should all be watching because it is EXCELLENT) and ask if you and your wife going to collaborate on more projects after the positive reception given to “LolliLove?”

Maybe. Who knows. It could happen. But it would have to be an idea that would drive us to do it, and we don’t have one of those right now. Part of the fun of “LolliLove” was making jokes about stuff that is taboo. You can really only do that once. To do it again would be sort of repetitive.

You said in your FAQ’s that you don’t do every interview you’re offered anymore. Does that mean I’m so awesome you just had to jump at the chance to answer my stupid questions?

Or more like I was in a pleasant mood when you wrote. Or also you went to Nashville. Personal contact is always an incentive. And you were polite. And we might be related.

Have you ever visited, and if not, will you visit us now that your reputation is forever stained by your association with us? Here’s your chance to really rip into us.

Really? I heard that everyone who does an interview with LC is automatically blessed with good luck and fertility? Hm. Yes, I visited it. It’s a great site. I love the Care Bears section. Right site, yes?

Touché, Mr. Gunn! Now our secret is revealed: we love the fucking Care Bears. And we love fucking the Care Bears, too. There’s just something about ramming your turgid love missle into loosely-packed cotton that is just heavenly. …but maybe I’ve said too much?

James Gunn Link Bukkake:

The Official James Gunn Website

IMDB: James Gunn

MySpace: James Gunn

JGAS: The James Gunn Appreciation Society and JGAS MySpace

The Official “SLiTHER” Website

MySpace: SLiTHER

The Official “LolliLove” Website

MySpace: LolliLove

The Official “Dawn of the Dead” Website

MySpace: Tromeo & Juliet

This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse (1967) Film Review 5/5

May 21, 2006

Is it bad to watch a movie and really identify with the cold-blooded, heartless, misanthropic lead character who just so happens to get his kicks from torturing women and killing people? Is it bad to feel sympathy for someone who is only trying to cleanse humanity of all the bullshit and get people back to a higher state of cold logic where reason is the only God? Is it a bad sign that I agree with Coffin Joe AKA Zé do Caixão (José Mojica Marins) so much when he’s supposed to be the bad guy?

Maybe there’s something wrong with me. I blame this incredible acid trip of a movie for corrupting my innocent little mind. I always knew one day I’d completely lose it thanks to a movie. Thank you, Coffin Joe.

Zé do Caixão is a simple man with simple dreams. All he wants to do is work at his funeral parlor, hang out with his hunchback manservant, Truncador (Antonio Fracari), not cut his fingernails, wear cool top hats and capes, and smoke his pipe. Oh yeah, he also craves the immortality that can only come from the birth of a son. Don’t we all, brother.

Not just any cum dumpster will do. Not for Coffin Joe’s seed. He needs the most perfect woman he can find, someone worthy who will have the perfect child, a creature without the inherent faults of man, and it doesn’t matter how many nubile young Brazilian women he has to torture with spiders and splatter with acid in his quest.

While a sequel to the wildly-successful “At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul,” you don’t really need to have seen the first one to get the second one. Not when you’ve got Technicolor nightmares involving devils whipping naked people, women thrown in pits full of poisonous snakes, poker-fu, and a faithful hunchback. That’s even before you throw in the love story that has nothing to do with love between Coffin Joe and his lovely bride Laura (Tina Wohlers), angry mobs, speeding motorcycles, and a swamp.

While there are plenty of horror aspects in the film, and while Coffin Joe is pretty evil, he’s also what makes the movie so damn interesting. It’s less a shocking series of events and more of a character study, allowing us inside the twisted world of Coffin Joe. His philosophies, his desires, his dreams, and even his nightmares are on display for us to revel in. The viewer is carried into the nightmarish, logical world of this well-dressed undertaker/monster with the well-cared-for nails.

This is not a movie for everyone. You have to have a pretty high level of weirdness tolerance to get into the world of Zé do Caixão, but I’m pretty confident if you’ve gotten this far then you can handle just about anything the country of Brazil can throw at you. So bring on the weirdness, bring on the surreal, and bring on the wine, ’cause it’s always a party at Coffin Joe’s, bitch!

Move over, Jesus! Take a step back, Ben Franklin! I have a new hero taking his place on my internal Mount Rushmore, and he is Coffin Joe.

Shaft (1971) Film Review 5/5

February 9, 2006

That Shaft (Richard Roundtree) truly is one bad mother… well, I’d best shut my mouth, even though I’m only talkin’ ‘bout Shaft. Can you dig it?

Even if you’re white, “Shaft” is one of the blaxploitation movies that can really reach across all colors and barriers, simply because Shaft is such a cool sonofabitch. Everyone likes him. Black Panthers? Shaft’s friends. Blind people? Shaft’s friends. Gay bartenders? Shaft’s friends. Hippies? Shaft’s friends. Jews? Shaft’s friends. Old Italian cops? Also Shaft’s friends. Shaft truly is one of the people in this world who reaches out across all races, creeds, philosophies, and barriers simply through the power of his awesome fashion sense (I want that black leather coat he’s got) and incredible coolness.

Now, Ron, you mentioned all sorts of people, but not women. Is Shaft a friend to the ladies? Well, that depends. Do you mean ‘friend’ as in treats women well, or do you mean ‘friend’ as in ‘has a strong pimp hand and puts the bitches in their place, his bed’? If you said the second one, then Shaft truly is a friend to everyone. Shaft has a hot black girlfriend, and he fucks a hot white woman. Once he’s done fucking the white bitch, he does what every man dreams of; he tells her to get the hell out of his apartment and not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out! When his girlfriend says that she loves him, he says ‘Yeah, I know. Take it easy.’

Can you see why Shaft is everyone’s hero (except feminists, who don’t count as people)? Brother has a way with the bitches that most men could not get away with today, AND he’s down with O.P.P. Yeah, you know him.

Shaft’s a cool character, to be sure, but does the movie do him justice? Well, the first key to a successful blaxploitation flick is to be cool, and “Shaft” the movie is very cool. It’s probably aged the best out of all the 70’s flicks I’ve seen in my many years of watching late-night TV. A lot of films from the period come off as cheesy, but “Shaft” takes itself seriously, and no amount of 70’s lingo can detract from a flick this gritty and exciting. If anything, it makes the movie better.

Bumpy Jonas (Moses Gunn)’s daughter Marcy (Sherri Brewster) is kidnapped, but nobody knows who did it. Bumpy, the HNIC of Harlem’s whores, drugs, and numbers racket, has a lot of enemies. On one hand, the Black Panthers lead by Ben Buford (Christopher St. John) hate him for the way he’s poisoning their community. On the other hand, the Mafia want Harlem, because they know that black people love to do drugs, have sex with whores, and gamble illegally. On a third hand, you’ve got the cops, lead by Det. Vic Androzzi (Charles Cioffi), who want this shit stopped before it becomes an all-out war in the streets.

In the middle of all this? Shaft, the only thread these four groups have in common. How’s he gonna get out of this and still manage to save his own ass?

Driven by Richard Roundtree’s coolness and a spectacular movie score from Isaac Hayes, the likes of which no one could do today, “Shaft” excels not just as the biggest and arguably best serious blaxploitation flick, but as one of the all-time greatest and most influential films from the early 1970’s. Shaft truly is a cat who won’t cop out when there’s danger all about.

Hostel (2006) Film Review 3/5

January 26, 2006

When it comes to a drive-in classic, or a movie that wishes it was around for the drive-in and B-theater circuit of the 1970’s, you can never let the plot get in the way of a good story. Fortunately for a movie like HOSTEL, there is no real plot, so you never have to worry about that. That is both its best and its worst point.

If you take a soft-core 70’s Europorn and shave all the women, then combine the first reel of that film with a 70’s European torture film, splice in a few frames of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, and add gratuitous Takeshi Miike, you’ve got yourself HOSTEL. Once again Eli Roth wears his influences on his sleeve, as he did in CABIN FEVER. Of course, this film is better than CABIN FEVER, but really… it’s not hard to improve on that brainless frat boy love fest. The major differences are he casts his influences in this film, and doesn’t try as hard to make a deliberate cult classic.

This is a review of HOSTEL, not CABIN FEVER, so I’m moving on.

Paxton (Jay Hernandez) and Josh (Derek Richardson) are just two dumb Americans out to bang some foreign pussy and smoke a lot of pot on their way through Europe. All you need is a backpack and a Eurorail pass, and you’re home free for a summer of debauched whore-chasing. Throw in the comic relief foreigner (also the best character in the movie, my dudes) Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson), who serves as their guide and buddy, and commence to fucking. Obviously these people missed the Europe videologue in THE RULES OF ATTRACTION, otherwise they’d know Europe will give you the clap.

Needless to say, the Dumb Americans are tipped off by some helpful foreigners that the bitches in Slovakia are all about the Americock, so they hop a train, meet some old creepy man (Jan Vlasák), and high-tail it to the Iron Curtain’s rusty jockstrap. From then on out, it’s nothing but discos and sex and the best boobs the Soviet Union has to offer (Barbara Nedeljakova and Jana Kaderabkova). At least until people start disappearing.

You know, sometimes people wander off. Sometimes movies meander off course and get boring and bland in the middle. Both of these things happen in “Hostel.” Maybe it was supposed to fill me with dread, but it didn’t quite work. When there weren’t boobs, sex, Oli, gore, obnoxious American businessmen (Rick Hoffman), or Takeshi Miike, my mind wandered off. Slovakia‘s a very pretty country. I wonder who I should invest my Roth IRA money with. I should probably go take a shower soon, since I’ve got work in the morning.

Sorry, my mind wandered. Again. Paxton just is incapable of holding my attention, though it’s not Jay Rodriguez’ fault.

While the third reel really picks up the pace, builds a good sense of tension, and adds some great torture and murder scenes to go along with a moderate car chase, it’s just not enough to save this movie from the second reel. It’s not a bad film, and I don’t mean to sound like it’s a bad film. It’s just an okay film, which is a bit sad considering it just needed more torturing and nudity to make it a more solid three-skull rating. As it is, the flick still gets three skulls, but it could have very easily attained four had it been smarter, gorier, tittier, or more interesting.

It doesn’t even have to add all three things, just one or two would’ve sufficed. Ah well. We review the movies we have, not the movies we wish we had. A movie that exists only to shock and titillate should’ve been more shocking and titillating. Otherwise, you’re just going to disappoint your core audience of jaded gore hounds, even if the tweenagers love it.

Class of 1999 Part II (1992) Film Review 4/5

December 29, 2005

It’s not a well known fact, but Mr. Movie Jesus Troy Anderson and myself not only attended the same high school, we also graduated in the same year. As the last class to have a cool double-digit numerical abbreviation (at least until 2099), we were fortunate to avoid the ugly double zero of our progeny and the non-unique ’98 of our predecessors. Unfortunately (or rather, fortunately) “Class of 1999 II” is not a documentary about my days at Louisville Male High School, but a movie about… well, let me get into it now.

Sasha Mitchell, TV’s Cody from “Step-by-Step,” is not just a retarded surfer guy who lives in a van parked in Suzanne Somers’ driveway. Before he ever put on the biceps-concealing sweater and loose flannel combination, it turns out Sasha was an ass-kicking karate guy nonpareil. I guess with a name like Sasha, you learn to beat up your tormentors pretty early in life.

Not that I’d ever make fun of him for his name, as he’d kick my ass seven times before I hit the ground bleeding, though he’s never struck me as the type of guy who was violent (or even struck me).

Speaking of beatings, I’d like to clear up something once and for all. Sasha Mitchell is not a wife-beater. I’ve seen other reviews of things he’s in make reference to him beating his wife, but if those lazy hacks would do a little research, they’d see his wife needed to have her ass kicked, because she was hooked on drugs and beating their kids. Believe me, if he was a wife beater, it’d be the sole component of this review (see my review of “Jeepers Creepers” for my take on pederast and future castrati Victor Salva), but as it stands, she gets five supervised visits with the kids per year, and if CALIFORNIA won’t let a woman see her kids, she’s a fuck up.

This is one of those movies in which you don’t have to see the original to get the sequel, because it’s explained to you in the first five minutes of the movie, and it’s not like the plot matters anyway. In the original “Class of 1999,” some government killbots were reprogrammed as teachers to beat the kids of America back into line. Needless to say this works well for about five minutes, then all the robots go crazy. Perhaps the robots weren’t all destroyed…

John Bolen (Sasha Mitchell) isn’t your ordinary substitute teacher. For one thing, he’s clean, well dressed, and not drunk. Oh yeah, he’s also a serious badass, like that slightly crazy history teacher/Vietnam veteran who you didn’t want to ‘sneak up on’ because he might snap and break your arm. Late to class? Get your ass kicked. Smoke in the bathroom? Ass kicked. Write in your book? Ass kicked. Needless to say, he makes “Lean on Me” principal Joe Clark look like Elmo.

You don’t even want to know what happens when some local toughs kill a kid and threaten hottie teacher Jenna McKensie (the lovely Caitlin Dulany and her excellent rack) with unpleasantries. John doesn’t like that sort of thing, as he’s an English-teaching, rampaging murderer with the soul of a poet (and a book of actual poetry he reads in between watching Jenna get down sexually with her boyfriend Emmett [Nick Casavetes] from the front porch). Suffice it to say, things get out of hand as John starts showing what may or may not be the symptoms of love, or at least lust, only to have his nascent robot emotions heartlessly twisted, like a yak’s testicles caught in a box fan.

This movie has all the makings of a Living Corpse Classic. Karate guy action supplemented by awesomely bad one-liners, a hot chick with hotter funbags, and robots teaching the Humanities to glorified prisoners? It doesn’t get much better than this, folks, and even the out of nowhere, Deus Ex Machina ending cannot put a dent in the awesome, bloody, and satisfying spectacle of B-movie goodness that is “Class of 1999 II.”

They don’t really get much better than this, gang. They definitely don’t get any better than Sasha Mitchell killing people while spouting war poetry. This is a movie that satisfies all the requirements.

Dead Heat (1988) Film Review 4/5

November 24, 2005

From the early 1980’s Saturday Night Live, only two names really stand out.

One of them you know intimately for his amazingly-successful movie career, a mediocre hit single with Rick James, the way he gave a transsexual prostitute ‘a ride’ (no doubt with his penis) because he’s a good Samaritan, and the fact that he’s probably left his wife and kids for his boyfriend Johnny Gill from New Edition. Since we don’t give a shit about the latest abysmal “family comedy” from a comedian who stopped being worth a damn in 1990 (outside of one Steve Martin movie), we’re obviously talking about the other guy.

The other also had a hit single, but once leaving the friendly confines of SNL, his career fizzled, relegating him to punch line status and occasional bit-player or comedy villain for Chuck Norris. However, other than his self-respect, this gentleman has something Eddie Murphy does not. That’s right; this guy’s made a world-class buddy-cop movie with zombies.

That’s right; we’re talking about Joe Piscopo, aka Detective Doug Bigelow. It seems that Doug and his partner Roger Mortis (Treat Williams, AKA the poor man’s Tom Berenger) have found out the secret behind a couple of daring daylight robberies where the thieves had the damnedest habit of just not wanting to stay dead, no matter how many times you filled them with small pieces of lead flying at high velocity.

Oh well, they’re just junkies right? PCP makes a man do crazy things, just ask Rodney King. They do find drugs, after some amazingly-fast CSI work by Randi James (Lindsey Frost), but this drug is pretty rare, and it traces back to a corporation formerly owned by one Arthur P. Loudermilk (Vincent Price, better than ever in one of his final roles). After a talk with a bit of sweet meat Rebecca Smythers (Clare Kirkconnell), Doug decides to do some exploring.

Unfortunately, a gigantic man-mountain ends up accidentally killing Roger by smothering him to death in a vacuum chamber. I hate it when that happens. But all is not lost, as Treat Williams does get top billing. With the help of a corpse-reviving device, all is well again. Well, for the next 13 hours.

Now it’s up to Doug and Roger to stop Dr. Ernest McNab (Darren McGavin, holy shit!), discover just what in the hell is going on with the dead/not dead Arthur Loudermilk, and do it all in under 12 hours before Roger melts like a flesh-colored ice-cream cone. Needless to say, there will be much shenanigans along the way, including a hilariously gory butcher shop scene (starring both Keye Luke and Prof. Toru Tanaka), and a multitude of Joe Piscopo one-liners.

If this doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, then you’re probably not the kind of person I want to waste my time with. There’s the best Sinatra impersonator in the history of SNL, Imitation Berenger, The Man Who Sold the Mogwai, a professional wrestler, Vincent Price, Kolchak The Night Stalker, and a flying liver attack in a Chinese butcher shop.

The whole time I was watching this movie, part of a brilliant Anchor Bay Fright Pack I mentioned in Suggested Viewing vol. 3, I had one nagging question; whatever happened to Joe Piscopo? I mean, he’s brilliant in this movie, he’s always been a funny comedian, but it seems like after he got cancer, he just disappeared. It’s a damn shame, really.

Joe, if you’re out there? We miss you, buddy. Come back to movies soon. I can’t wait for “Dead Heat 2: Deader and More Hot.”