Burn After Reading And The Coen Brothers Abide, Man

For those of you who’ve been reading back a few months, you’ll remember my summer movie spree where I’d throw up a couple of paragraphs, shoe-horn in a link to my latest Den of Geek review (like this one for Burn After Reading), and call it a night. Mostly because I was so busy watching and reviewing everything that was coming out, I didn’t have much time for anything else.

I have a bit more time now, so I’ll do my best to place Burn After Reading in the Coen Brothers pantheon. Den of Geek did this awhile back with a Coen Ready Reckoner, but only three stars for No Country is insane. No stars from me on this version. Given that the Coen Brothers worst movie is still probably three stars from someone else, take this list with a grain of salt (except for Intolerable Cruelty, Catherine Zeta Jones is horrible). Also, it’s been awhile since I’ve watched some of these movies, so forgive me if I slag off on your favorite. I’m also cutting out movies they only directed parts of.

Anyway, here we go.

The Big Lebowski (I can’t count how many times I’ve watched this one, and it stays funny.)
No Country For Old Men
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Fargo
Burn After Reading
Raising Arizona
Miller’s Crossing
Blood Simple (I forgot how good the Brothers were at suspense.)
Barton Fink
The Man Who Wasn’t There
The Hudsucker Proxy (It didn’t get me at the time I saw it, I have to watch it again now that I’m older.)
The Ladykillers
Intolerable Cruelty

I know; I should seek out and watch Crimewave, just to see the only collaboration between the Coen Brothers, Bruce Campbell, and Sam Raimi. I’m going to catch Menno’s Mind on cable and watch it from the beginning ASAP, too. (It’s been doing the rounds on Showtime.)

Mirrors (2008) Review and a note for Kiefer Sutherland

Dear Kiefer,

I just saw Mirrors this week. Here’s my review, if you’re interested. I’ll give you some time to have your personal assistant read it to you.

Okay, are you done? Good, good. Let’s continue.

Listen, Kief… can I call you Kief? Too bad. Anyway, Kief, you’re on a hit TV show where you play the indestructible secret agent Jack Bauer. You run around and shoot all the terrorists, save America, and never once shower or go to the bathroom in the course of 24 hours. It’s a big hit, everyone loves it, everyone loves you, and life has to be pretty sweet when you’re not drunkenly assaulting Christmas trees.

There’s a problem, though. The show 24 is on hiatus until 2009. Most actors who play a well-known TV character end up getting typecast, because everyone looks at you and they don’t see David from the Lost Boys, they see the guy who has been killing terrorists on TV for years. Most actors, when given a break from their series, immediately go out and try to make a movie that will remind everyone that the face on TV is that of an actor who can play any sort of role.

But not you, Kief. You’re different enough, and drunk enough, to go out during your break from playing a gun-toting, mystery-solving, terrorist-chasing badass to… play a movie where you play a gun-toting, mystery-solving, ghost-chasing badass. You used your break from 24 to make a crossover movie between The X-Files and 24. Congratulations, you fucking genius.

I look forward to seeing you on Sci-Fi Channel Original Pictures chasing horribly-done CGI gorillas 5 years after 24 comes to a close.

Cheers,

Ron

Pineapple Express (2008) Review

You guys have no idea how proud I am of my half-brother Seth Rogen today. Last night I went to see his new movie, Pineapple Express, and I really enjoyed it. I consider it a knowing birthday present to me, and it was very nice of him.

Sure he doesn’t call as much as I’d like, or ever, but I know he’s thinking of me from his palacial Hollywood mansion when he’s not busy snorting cocaine off of supermodels and living every fat dude’s dream. Plus he’s growing the beard back, which I obviously approve of.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) review

The Mummy 3 is, without a doubt, a dumb movie. Just when things seem like they’re getting more reasonable, something insane shows up and makes the movie that much crazier. Brendan Frasier is carved from a block of maple. Maria Bello has nothing to work with. There’s not enough Jet Li or Michelle Yeoh, and too much Luke Ford. They’re blatantly setting up the franchise for more sequels. The CGI (aside from the battle scenes) is dodgy at best. There’s not an actual, factual mummy.

Other than all that, it was surprisingly fun. I wouldn’t rent it on DVD, but seeing it on the big screen makes it more palatable. I shouldn’t have liked it, yet I have to say it’s more entertaining than X-Files: I Want to Believe.

Ron Gets Smart

I know I promised to do a movie review a week here at the ol’ homestead, but I’ve just been too busy doing movie reviews where people will read them. I know you’re terribly disappointed, all 9 of you who read my blog faithfully. Well, it’d better be faithfully, because if you’re cheating on me and reading other blogs on the side then I’ll cry and cry my little eyes out you heartbreakers! How could you do this to me?! How could you do this to our blog family?! WHY?!?!?!

Ahem, sorry. Too much “Cheating Spouses Exposed!” on Maury. Got a little carried away with the dramatics.

I know I said I’d do a movie review a week here at the blog, but I’ve just been too busy doing high quality first-run movie reviews over at Den of Geek where an adoring audience of hundreds of people see my post titles and continue on about their day without stopping to read or comment, which is a refreshing change of pace from the usual troll I attract. Must be my pants made out of troll bait or my billy-goats Gruff shoes.

On that note, would you believe that I saw and loved the new Get Smart movie this weekend? No? Well, how about that Get Smart was the #1 movie at the box office this weekend? Well, what if I told you that one day I will eventually get back on my movie reviewing horse (I named him Horse With No Name) and ride out to Bad Horror Hill and shoot down the Bert I. Gordon gang, then review whatever awful movies I come across? Is that better?

I promise, one day soon I’ll start reviewing more of the crap I smear on my eyeballs and force into my brain (thanks, TV!). Then after you read it and gouge out your eyes in horror at what I put myself through, you’ll have no one to blame but yourselves for making me actually follow through on my dumb promise. Well, yourself and the Sci-Fi Channel, I guess. I swear, NBC Universal owns more bad movies than Lloyd Kaufman and Roger Corman put together, and I just.

Can’t.

Stop.

Watching.

Movieland And An Experiment

As you all know by now, thanks to my half-finished porting over of movie reviews and whatnot, I’m a big fan of the cinema. That’s one of the reasons I do the box-office wrap-up over at Den of Geek; I’m already following the news, so I may as well share it and make fun of the attractive but elderly Kim Cattrall, right? But, as of late, I’m not writing up anything about the movies I’ve been seeing, which I used to love to do back when I didn’t have multiple other blogs that needed my content or a full-time job. I’m also not blogging over here as much or with the quality that I’d prefer, so I’ve decided to solve both those problems.

In that spirit, starting this week, I’m going to do a film review a week here on this blog for the next year. I already know what I’m starting with, and now that we’re in the dead zone for sports I follow religiously (save MMA and boxing, apparently), I have a little more time to kill so I figure I may as well expose you, my reader, to the horrible crap and/or brilliant films I tend to watch. Thank me later.