There’s something I don’t really get. Shia LaBeouf is somehow the biggest star on the planet, and I have absolutely no idea how or why he’s gotten this way. His lifetime gross is nearly $975 million in the United States alone. He made $316 million and counting off of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and in 2007 he grossed over $485 million between turns in Disturbia, Surf’s Up, and Transformers. His debut film, Holes, made $67 million in 2003. His new movie, Eagle Eye, has taken number one this weekend with an impressive $29.2 million box office debut.
I have no idea what in the hell Shia the Beef’s appeal is, but apparently he’s got it. Either that or he’s the biggest genius at picking scripts Hollywood has ever seen, because he’s made more money at the box office over the last two years than anyone except Christian Bale (and all his box office points have come from one mighty movie which finally fell out of the top 10 this week).
Read more about my anti-obsession with Shia The Beef, the revenge of Kirk Cameron (!!), the open mocking of Dane Cook fans, and all the weekend’s box office business at Den of Geek‘s Weekly Box Office Report. I’m especially insulting this week, so it’s something you really don’t want to miss. Plus, I describe Michael Cera as a ‘teen romcom puppy’. How can you go wrong?
I was watching clips of Dolemite (don’t ask) tonight when I stumbled across a blaxploitation trailer I’d never seen before. I clicked on it and found myself watching the red band promo for Black Dynamite. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only is it a new movie (with Michael Jai White of all people), but it’s also not a spoof! I think we’ve got a real live blaxploitation move on our hands here, gang.
Listen, Kief… can I call you Kief? Too bad. Anyway, Kief, you’re on a hit TV show where you play the indestructible secret agent Jack Bauer. You run around and shoot all the terrorists, save America, and never once shower or go to the bathroom in the course of 24 hours. It’s a big hit, everyone loves it, everyone loves you, and life has to be pretty sweet when you’re not drunkenly assaulting Christmas trees.
There’s a problem, though. The show 24 is on hiatus until 2009. Most actors who play a well-known TV character end up getting typecast, because everyone looks at you and they don’t see David from the Lost Boys, they see the guy who has been killing terrorists on TV for years. Most actors, when given a break from their series, immediately go out and try to make a movie that will remind everyone that the face on TV is that of an actor who can play any sort of role.
But not you, Kief. You’re different enough, and drunk enough, to go out during your break from playing a gun-toting, mystery-solving, terrorist-chasing badass to… play a movie where you play a gun-toting, mystery-solving, ghost-chasing badass. You used your break from 24 to make a crossover movie between The X-Files and 24. Congratulations, you fucking genius.
I look forward to seeing you on Sci-Fi Channel Original Pictures chasing horribly-done CGI gorillas 5 years after 24 comes to a close.
I kind of want to say George Lucas raped my childhood with his CGI animated version of The Clone Wars, but he didn’t. He just… disappointed my childhood, like he couldn’t even properly brutalize my good memories of Star Wars. It’s a little like expecting to be molested by your drunken stepfather, but then realizing he likes your brother better. You’re kind of glad you didn’t get what you thought you were going to get, but you still feel a little rejected and confused.
Of course, I’ll probably still watch the TV series, because I’m still hopelessly a Star Wars fan, but the love in my heart for Luke and Leia and Chewie isn’t what it once was.
I have a problem with any movie based heavily on cars. They always affect me a bit too much, and usually not for the best. Here’s an example:
After I saw Grindhouse, I sped all the way home. Not just like a little speeding, I mean a lot speeding. I had the highway to myself, so I just put the hammer down. Not all the way, but farther than I usually speed. After watching Paul W.S. Anderson’s remake of the 1975 cult classic Death Race 2000, I wanted to strap some .50 caliber machine guns onto the roof of my 1992 Buick four-door and drop a chunk of 6-inch-thick steel armor plating onto the jerk who tailgated me all the way home.
If you’re ready to go out and run down old ladies for extra points, read my Death Race review here. Actually, they took out the points system in this one, which is a shame. I loved the scene below.
Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a 100% red-blooded American sense of humor!
The Mummy 3 is, without a doubt, a dumb movie. Just when things seem like they’re getting more reasonable, something insane shows up and makes the movie that much crazier. Brendan Frasier is carved from a block of maple. Maria Bello has nothing to work with. There’s not enough Jet Li or Michelle Yeoh, and too much Luke Ford. They’re blatantly setting up the franchise for more sequels. The CGI (aside from the battle scenes) is dodgy at best. There’s not an actual, factual mummy.
Other than all that, it was surprisingly fun. I wouldn’t rent it on DVD, but seeing it on the big screen makes it more palatable. I shouldn’t have liked it, yet I have to say it’s more entertaining than X-Files: I Want to Believe.
Will Ferrell is back, and he’s teaming with Anchorman director Adam McKay and scene-stealing legitimate actor turned professional dufus John C. Reilly in the new lowbrow comedy Step Brothers! You see, it’s funny because they’re both middle aged and they still live with their parents! Hahaha, they’re losers! There’s farting and grown men in their underwear and emotionally-stunted man-children screaming, preening, and chewing the scenary! Ahahaa, it’s mad l0lz, yo!
Or is it? Am I being sarcastic? Yes. Either way, to see just how this movie went wrong, and what the one good thing about it was aside from an uncharacteristic divergence from the normal plot progression of these sorts of movies, click here for lots of Den of Geek goodness and a review from me. And to think, I loved Anchorman in spite of its flaws.
Feel free to leave comments and register; if I remember right, DoG is giving away an iPhone.
The Dark Knight is quite possibly the most hyped film of the year, thanks to the death of Heath Ledger. As it turns out, the second of Christopher Nolan’s Batman films might also be the best film of the year as well. Check out my comprehensive review at Den of Geek.
Honestly, this movie was so good writing the review was practically impossible. It’s so much easier to shred a movie for being bad, but when a movie is so great I have absolutely nothing to complain about? There’s nothing harder than that. I even tried to think of one thing to bitch about, but I had nothing! This might be the best comic book movie of all time. (Yes, better than X-Men 2, Spider-Man 2, and even Iron Man.)
If you’re interested in my thoughts on Hellboy, Guillermo Del Toro’s genius with visuals, the funniest movie singalong in some time, and of course my man-crush on the awesome Ron Perlman, click here and read my Den of Geek review of Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Featuring absolutely gorgeous cinematography and special effects (practical effects, not just CGI), Hellboy II could show George Lucas how to do CGI without overdoing CGI.
If that’s not enough for you (and I know it’s not, because you’re all insatiable for the stuff I love), then click further into the website and check out DoG’s exclusive interview with Hellboy II director Guillermo Del Toro as he chats all things Hellboy, The Hobbit, and how he’s become the guardian angel of first-time directors after his horrible experience working on Mimic.
My review of Wall-E has been up over at Den of Geek for some time. I suggest ignoring all the comments, as when the review was originally published on July 4th, only the first page of two and a quarter were published, which made people assume wrongly that my review was just some anti-Disney ranting.
It’s not, of course, but there’s not much I can do about the inaccurate comments clinging tenaciously to the review like dog crap on the bottom of a new sneaker. Of course, if it was just an anti-Disney screed, they’d be perfectly reasonable comments. As it stands, they’re not, so you have my warning.
I’ve been seeing a ton of movies lately, haven’t I? Makes me wonder if I should, you know, get something like a life. Nah, this is life enough for me.
Subtle Bluntness 