Posts Tagged ‘Reviews’

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) review

August 4, 2008

The Mummy 3 is, without a doubt, a dumb movie. Just when things seem like they’re getting more reasonable, something insane shows up and makes the movie that much crazier. Brendan Frasier is carved from a block of maple. Maria Bello has nothing to work with. There’s not enough Jet Li or Michelle Yeoh, and too much Luke Ford. They’re blatantly setting up the franchise for more sequels. The CGI (aside from the battle scenes) is dodgy at best. There’s not an actual, factual mummy.

Other than all that, it was surprisingly fun. I wouldn’t rent it on DVD, but seeing it on the big screen makes it more palatable. I shouldn’t have liked it, yet I have to say it’s more entertaining than X-Files: I Want to Believe.

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The X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008) Review

July 26, 2008

Jump THIS shark, fanboy!

Jump THIS shark, fanboy!

I love The X-Files. From the first season until I went off to college, I watched the show religiously, no matter what time it was screened or what day of the week it was shown on. I saw the first movie on opening day; I have a couple of X-Files tee shirts somewhere in my closet, and even have the soundtrack album of music inspired by the show. I’m a fan, and as a fan I want the movie to be as successful as possible because I think the show ended too early thanks to David Duchovny thinking he could be a movie star.

The film opens with Mulder (Duchovny) standing outside Joliet State Correctional Institute with a suitcase in hand. Pulling up in an old police car bought at auction is Scully (Gillian Anderson). After a quick trip to James Brown’s church in Chicago and a long talk with Cab Calloway, the two decide to get the band back together and save the orphanage in which they grew up.

Oh wait, that’s the plot of The Blues Brothers. Sorry.

Here’s the plot of The X-Files: I Want to Believe, as well as a review.

Image found: here.

Fear Itself: Stuart Gordon Or Darren Lynn Bousman

July 21, 2008

I don’t know what my deal was last week when I did my reviews of Fear Itself episodes 5, Eater, and 6, New Years Day, but I was in exceptionally fine form when it comes to my particular brand of mocking comedy. Especially episode six, the brainchild of Steve Niles (30 Days of Night) and Darren Lynn Bousman (Saws II-IV). If that’s not a recipe for disaster, I don’t know what is.

As I said in the comments over at Den of Geek: you could give Darren Bousman the script to Citizen Kane, and he’d figure out a way to make it a mess. But hey, at least Episode Five was pretty good thanks to Stuart Gordon’s directorial prowess.

Preach Robot Preach

July 7, 2008

My review of Wall-E has been up over at Den of Geek for some time. I suggest ignoring all the comments, as when the review was originally published on July 4th, only the first page of two and a quarter were published, which made people assume wrongly that my review was just some anti-Disney ranting.

It’s not, of course, but there’s not much I can do about the inaccurate comments clinging tenaciously to the review like dog crap on the bottom of a new sneaker. Of course, if it was just an anti-Disney screed, they’d be perfectly reasonable comments. As it stands, they’re not, so you have my warning.

I’ve been seeing a ton of movies lately, haven’t I? Makes me wonder if I should, you know, get something like a life. Nah, this is life enough for me.

Ron Gets Smart

June 24, 2008

I know I promised to do a movie review a week here at the ol’ homestead, but I’ve just been too busy doing movie reviews where people will read them. I know you’re terribly disappointed, all 9 of you who read my blog faithfully. Well, it’d better be faithfully, because if you’re cheating on me and reading other blogs on the side then I’ll cry and cry my little eyes out you heartbreakers! How could you do this to me?! How could you do this to our blog family?! WHY?!?!?!

Ahem, sorry. Too much “Cheating Spouses Exposed!” on Maury. Got a little carried away with the dramatics.

I know I said I’d do a movie review a week here at the blog, but I’ve just been too busy doing high quality first-run movie reviews over at Den of Geek where an adoring audience of hundreds of people see my post titles and continue on about their day without stopping to read or comment, which is a refreshing change of pace from the usual troll I attract. Must be my pants made out of troll bait or my billy-goats Gruff shoes.

On that note, would you believe that I saw and loved the new Get Smart movie this weekend? No? Well, how about that Get Smart was the #1 movie at the box office this weekend? Well, what if I told you that one day I will eventually get back on my movie reviewing horse (I named him Horse With No Name) and ride out to Bad Horror Hill and shoot down the Bert I. Gordon gang, then review whatever awful movies I come across? Is that better?

I promise, one day soon I’ll start reviewing more of the crap I smear on my eyeballs and force into my brain (thanks, TV!). Then after you read it and gouge out your eyes in horror at what I put myself through, you’ll have no one to blame but yourselves for making me actually follow through on my dumb promise. Well, yourself and the Sci-Fi Channel, I guess. I swear, NBC Universal owns more bad movies than Lloyd Kaufman and Roger Corman put together, and I just.

Can’t.

Stop.

Watching.

Why Aren’t You Watching Fear Itself?

June 23, 2008

Sure Fear Itself had a rocky first episode, but if you stuck with it like I did, well… you’ve been rewarded. Episode 2 was excellent (and I forgot to link myself here last week when the review went up), and Episode 3, from the pen of Daniel Knauf (creator of Carnivale) was one of the best things I’ve seen on TV this year. If you’re not checking this show out, you should. It’s free online, so there’s no excuse not to. It’s turning into a great show.

If you’re not checking out the show, at least go read my reviews, so I can feel important and/or special. Thank you for your support. /Bartles & Jaymes

Kung Fu Panda And A Meditation On Review Stars

June 11, 2008

I originally wanted to give Kung Fu Panda 3.5 out of 5, but Den of Geek won’t let us give half stars on our reviews, so they bumped it down to 3. It’s better than a 3 star movie, so I had Sarah bump it back up to a 4. It’s a fair rating; 3 is an average movie, 4 is above average. It’s not as good as Shrek, but it’s better than Shrek 3.

If you twisted my arm, I’d say it’s safely an above average movie. It’s not the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, but it is pretty funny. More smiles and chuckles than guffaws, though it has definite belly laughs. It’s got a pretty good amount of action without being overly frenetic, but it does have its moments of frenzy that detract slightly from the overall effect.

I have some issues with assigning numerical ratings to something as subjective as a movie. I know how people are (I used to be one myself, before I transcended my physical form and became a noncorporeal being of pure energy), and they tend to gloss over the review and skip directly to the overall rating for fear of spoilers or general laziness. On the other hand, I know that a lot of reviewers, myself included, can tend to fixate on either what they like or didn’t like, rather than give the full picture.

The star designation can soften or sharpen a review as appropriate, which is one of the reasons why I use numerical designations of film quality. Another reason is for comparison purposes; if you and I both think Dr. Phibes Rises Again is a 4 star movie, but you’ve never seen Dolls (which I also rate as 4 stars), you might feel comfortable enough in our shared tastes to check out the criminally neglected 1987 Stuart Gordon classic about killer dollies because I think it is on par with a 1972 Vincent Price classic.

Not that, uh, anyone asked me why I do things the way I do them.

Movieland And An Experiment

June 3, 2008

As you all know by now, thanks to my half-finished porting over of movie reviews and whatnot, I’m a big fan of the cinema. That’s one of the reasons I do the box-office wrap-up over at Den of Geek; I’m already following the news, so I may as well share it and make fun of the attractive but elderly Kim Cattrall, right? But, as of late, I’m not writing up anything about the movies I’ve been seeing, which I used to love to do back when I didn’t have multiple other blogs that needed my content or a full-time job. I’m also not blogging over here as much or with the quality that I’d prefer, so I’ve decided to solve both those problems.

In that spirit, starting this week, I’m going to do a film review a week here on this blog for the next year. I already know what I’m starting with, and now that we’re in the dead zone for sports I follow religiously (save MMA and boxing, apparently), I have a little more time to kill so I figure I may as well expose you, my reader, to the horrible crap and/or brilliant films I tend to watch. Thank me later.

based on a major motion picture

December 7, 2007

Hey, Ron talks about comic books! Specifically, a free comic book designed to promote I Am Legend that you can read part of over the eBays! Everyone loves free! Not only is the comic free, so is my review! That’s like… three free things!

Now with extra exclamation points!

Soon, there will be much Dan O’Bannon. After that? Why, Roger Corman, my personal hero and King of the BeeB’s!

TV Party: Crushed By A Copier Edition

November 14, 2007

Michael: This disaster is a serial killer. A creepy guy [gestures at Dwight] who has abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.

Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. I would never let you escape.

Michael: Well, yes I would, and I would survive.

Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead, believe me. Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. And they would call me the Overkill Killer

Michael: You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.

Brilliant dialogue, huh? I agree. That’s why I singled that out as one of my favorite moments of The Office Season 4 Episode 7 over at Den of Geek. I also have my Episode 6 review over there for your reading and/or sexual pleasure.

Yes, this is basically pinging my blog to make sure it stays relatively interesting. If you want to read more of me, those two little RSS feeds in the corner update 5 days a week with hot Ron on Internet action, so by all means sate yourselves there, subscribe to the feeds (and see how often I fuck up posts), and whatnot.