Shia LaBeouf is the biggest star in the world? What?!

There’s something I don’t really get. Shia LaBeouf is somehow the biggest star on the planet, and I have absolutely no idea how or why he’s gotten this way. His lifetime gross is nearly $975 million in the United States alone. He made $316 million and counting off of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and in 2007 he grossed over $485 million between turns in Disturbia, Surf’s Up, and Transformers. His debut film, Holes, made $67 million in 2003. His new movie, Eagle Eye, has taken number one this weekend with an impressive $29.2 million box office debut.

I have no idea what in the hell Shia the Beef’s appeal is, but apparently he’s got it. Either that or he’s the biggest genius at picking scripts Hollywood has ever seen, because he’s made more money at the box office over the last two years than anyone except Christian Bale (and all his box office points have come from one mighty movie which finally fell out of the top 10 this week).

Read more about my anti-obsession with Shia The Beef, the revenge of Kirk Cameron (!!), the open mocking of Dane Cook fans, and all the weekend’s box office business at Den of Geek‘s Weekly Box Office Report. I’m especially insulting this week, so it’s something you really don’t want to miss. Plus, I describe Michael Cera as a ‘teen romcom puppy’. How can you go wrong?

Movie Withdrawals

Last weekend was the first weekend in months that I didn’t go see at least one (if not three) movies. I’m feeling strange ‘lack of big-screen radiation’ withdrawals. That’s probably why I’m craving popcorn almost constantly these days, though it could be due to the fact I don’t eat as much exploded food these days since they took Kellogg’s Napalm Krispies off the market after those kids died.

Your top movie last weekend was Nicolas Cage in Bangkok Dangerous. No doubt he was wearing another terrible wig and doing his best Elvis sneer throughout the entire movie. People must eat that stuff up, because distributors were so scared by Frank’s nephew that they didn’t bother opening any movies against his new action shooter.

I’d be scared of Nic, too. He might take my face off, like in Con Air.

Movie Theater Behavior Standards

I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately, and every time I do one of my weekend box office reports at Den of Geek, I’m reminded of my previous moviegoing experiences. I’m kind of a movie experience snob (though I do love eating and drinking during movies when it’s beer and real food), but considering that most people shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house, I usually abstain. Meanwhile, everyone around me is crunching, texting, talking, gesturing wildly, shifting around, kicking the back of my chair, and generally causing me to fly into a rage.

Rather than rant about that, I’ll just show you the trailer I think needs to play before every movie. Maybe the morons will get the message, then. Plus it’s absolutely the funniest part of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters.

That’s going to replace the Mercenaries 2 commercial song as my newest ear worm.

The Weekend Box Office Report: Tropic Thunder outguns The Dark Knight

Here’s this weekend’s box office report, now with extra surprise at the performance of Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

Aside: Doesn’t it seem like there’s an “h” missing from “Cristina”? I know she’s Spanish (or whatever she’s supposed to be), but it still doesn’t seem right. Oh well, I’m not Woody Allen; I’ve never had sex with any of my adopted children.