Shia LaBeouf is the biggest star in the world? What?!

There’s something I don’t really get. Shia LaBeouf is somehow the biggest star on the planet, and I have absolutely no idea how or why he’s gotten this way. His lifetime gross is nearly $975 million in the United States alone. He made $316 million and counting off of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and in 2007 he grossed over $485 million between turns in Disturbia, Surf’s Up, and Transformers. His debut film, Holes, made $67 million in 2003. His new movie, Eagle Eye, has taken number one this weekend with an impressive $29.2 million box office debut.

I have no idea what in the hell Shia the Beef’s appeal is, but apparently he’s got it. Either that or he’s the biggest genius at picking scripts Hollywood has ever seen, because he’s made more money at the box office over the last two years than anyone except Christian Bale (and all his box office points have come from one mighty movie which finally fell out of the top 10 this week).

Read more about my anti-obsession with Shia The Beef, the revenge of Kirk Cameron (!!), the open mocking of Dane Cook fans, and all the weekend’s box office business at Den of Geek‘s Weekly Box Office Report. I’m especially insulting this week, so it’s something you really don’t want to miss. Plus, I describe Michael Cera as a ‘teen romcom puppy’. How can you go wrong?

Movie Withdrawals

Last weekend was the first weekend in months that I didn’t go see at least one (if not three) movies. I’m feeling strange ‘lack of big-screen radiation’ withdrawals. That’s probably why I’m craving popcorn almost constantly these days, though it could be due to the fact I don’t eat as much exploded food these days since they took Kellogg’s Napalm Krispies off the market after those kids died.

Your top movie last weekend was Nicolas Cage in Bangkok Dangerous. No doubt he was wearing another terrible wig and doing his best Elvis sneer throughout the entire movie. People must eat that stuff up, because distributors were so scared by Frank’s nephew that they didn’t bother opening any movies against his new action shooter.

I’d be scared of Nic, too. He might take my face off, like in Con Air.

The Dark Knight: A Month On Top And Still Fighting

One of these weeks, The Dark Knight will not be the #1 movie at the American box office. Unfortunately for Pineapple Express, this is not that week. I know The Dark Knight has no chance to catch Titanic’s epic box office performance, or E.T.’s 16 chart-topping weekends in a row, but I can still dream, can’t I?

The Batsuit Has Strong BO (Again)

For once, I got a prediction right! For the third weekend in a row, The Dark Knight has fought its way to the top of the box office charts. The #1 film took in an impressive $43.8 million dollars, which means a whole lot of people have seen it several times. The takes are slowly decreasing, to be sure, but Batman is not going anywhere any time soon. I imagine I’ll be writing about The Dark Knight until September.

Fortunately, because I need something fresh to write about, a legitimate challenger taking aim at Christopher Nolan’s Batman opus came to the American box office in the form of Brendan Fraser and Rob Cohen’s The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Blowing past my expectations, the fourth installment of The Mummy franchise and third official Mummy film took in an incredible $42.45 million dollars for a very strong second place. It’s staggering that a franchise this long deferred has done this well, considering Rick O’Connell is Indiana Jones lite. Brendan Fraser also scored a second top five movie this weekend, with the fifth-place 3-D extravaganza Journey to the Center of the Earth ($6.875 million, with a quiet but impressive $73 million domestic take).

Liv Tyler, earlier this summer, was all over the box office charts thanks to both The Incredible Hulk and The Strangers, but she’s trumped by Brendan Fraser’s box office muscle and chiseled abs.

Bruce Wayne is $314 million dollars richer.

The Dark Knight is the fastest movie to break $100 million dollars, $200 million dollars, and $300 million dollars. It is the largest opening weekend in history. It has the largest 10-day opening in history. Most importantly, Christopher Nolan’s dark superhero tale has a legitimate chance to pass the horribly cloying Titanic as the top film of all time at the box office.

Read all about it in this week’s box office report. Heath Ledger’s death has a lot to do with this, let’s not kid ourselves; however, even if he was still alive, this movie would have still been huge. After all, it’s Batman and The Joker. Everyone knows their history.

The Dark Knight Kicks Ass, Both At The Box Office And At Family Reunions

At least when it comes to opening on more screens, making the most money in a 3-day weekend in history, being the fastest film to $100 million dollars, and having its star arrested in the middle of doing promotion for said film, nothing tops Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight.

Apparently, while Wesley Willis can whip Batman’s ass, Batman can whip the asses of his mother and sister. I can only hope, before allegedly assaulting his family members, Christian Bale first gave them a lesson on Huey Lewis and the News. When he makes bail, I imagine Mr. Bateman will have a lot of videos to return.

Wall-E Dangerously

I think maybe I should retire from box office predictions. Yes, I was right last week when I said that Wall-E would be the box office champion, but I must have grossly underestimated the drawing power of Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. Angelina, you can adopt as many children as you want, you’ve earned it.

Check out the rest of my analysis of this weekend’s box office here.

Boffo Box Office

Here’s this week’s box office report, complete with bragging about how I was right about Kung Fu Panda winning and how massive Sex and the City’s second week drop was compared to, uh, every other movie.

Last week I got a chance to see Iron Man and Indy IV, and I was very impressed by Iron Man. Great movie, highly recommended. Indy was fun, but I should’ve listened to Duncan and left when they got to the chamber. Next time I’ll know better and listen to him, because he knows best.

I saw Kung Fu Panda tonight (gotta contribute to the box office gross, after all). My thoughts will be up over at Den of Geek tomorrow, and I’ll whore out my article here once it’s up. I haven’t forgotten about my movie reviews for the ol’ blog, I’ll do it soon. I promise.