I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately, and every time I do one of my weekend box office reports at Den of Geek, I’m reminded of my previous moviegoing experiences. I’m kind of a movie experience snob (though I do love eating and drinking during movies when it’s beer and real food), but considering that most people shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house, I usually abstain. Meanwhile, everyone around me is crunching, texting, talking, gesturing wildly, shifting around, kicking the back of my chair, and generally causing me to fly into a rage.
Rather than rant about that, I’ll just show you the trailer I think needs to play before every movie. Maybe the morons will get the message, then. Plus it’s absolutely the funniest part of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters.
Here’s this weekend’s box office report, now with extra surprise at the performance of Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
Aside: Doesn’t it seem like there’s an “h” missing from “Cristina”? I know she’s Spanish (or whatever she’s supposed to be), but it still doesn’t seem right. Oh well, I’m not Woody Allen; I’ve never had sex with any of my adopted children.
One of these weeks, The Dark Knight will not be the #1 movie at the American box office. Unfortunately for Pineapple Express, this is not that week. I know The Dark Knight has no chance to catch Titanic’s epic box office performance, or E.T.’s 16 chart-topping weekends in a row, but I can still dream, can’t I?
For once, I got a prediction right! For the third weekend in a row, The Dark Knight has fought its way to the top of the box office charts. The #1 film took in an impressive $43.8 million dollars, which means a whole lot of people have seen it several times. The takes are slowly decreasing, to be sure, but Batman is not going anywhere any time soon. I imagine I’ll be writing about The Dark Knight until September.
Fortunately, because I need something fresh to write about, a legitimate challenger taking aim at Christopher Nolan’s Batman opus came to the American box office in the form of Brendan Fraser and Rob Cohen’s The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Blowing past my expectations, the fourth installment of The Mummy franchise and third official Mummy film took in an incredible $42.45 million dollars for a very strong second place. It’s staggering that a franchise this long deferred has done this well, considering Rick O’Connell is Indiana Jones lite. Brendan Fraser also scored a second top five movie this weekend, with the fifth-place 3-D extravaganza Journey to the Center of the Earth ($6.875 million, with a quiet but impressive $73 million domestic take).
Liv Tyler, earlier this summer, was all over the box office charts thanks to both The Incredible Hulk and The Strangers, but she’s trumped by Brendan Fraser’s box office muscle and chiseled abs.
The Dark Knight is the fastest movie to break $100 million dollars, $200 million dollars, and $300 million dollars. It is the largest opening weekend in history. It has the largest 10-day opening in history. Most importantly, Christopher Nolan’s dark superhero tale has a legitimate chance to pass the horribly cloying Titanic as the top film of all time at the box office.
Read all about it in this week’s box office report. Heath Ledger’s death has a lot to do with this, let’s not kid ourselves; however, even if he was still alive, this movie would have still been huge. After all, it’s Batman and The Joker. Everyone knows their history.
At least when it comes to opening on more screens, making the most money in a 3-day weekend in history, being the fastest film to $100 million dollars, and having its star arrested in the middle of doing promotion for said film, nothing tops Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight.
Apparently, while Wesley Willis can whip Batman’s ass, Batman can whip the asses of his mother and sister. I can only hope, before allegedly assaulting his family members, Christian Bale first gave them a lesson on Huey Lewis and the News. When he makes bail, I imagine Mr. Bateman will have a lot of videos to return.
Next week, a little film called The Dark Knight is released. Have you heard about this? Apparently, there’s this comic book hero called ‘Batman’ who flies around, hangs upside down, eats bugs, and then does superhero stuff, probably because he was bitten by a radioactive bat or something. I haven’t heard anything about it, since the marketing has been so low-key and subtle, but apparently the kids are very excited about it. I’m sure it’ll be a laff-riot, since we know how funny those yucksters the Katzenjammer Kids are in their funny pages.
Go read my Box Office Report here. Hellboy cleaned up this weekend. Figuratively, not literally. The movie theater floor is as sticky with mystery fluids as you might remember. Box office numbers, now with 150% extra snarky commentary.
I think maybe I should retire from box office predictions. Yes, I was right last week when I said that Wall-E would be the box office champion, but I must have grossly underestimated the drawing power of Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. Angelina, you can adopt as many children as you want, you’ve earned it.
Check out the rest of my analysis of this weekend’s box office here.
I know I promised to do a movie review a week here at the ol’ homestead, but I’ve just been too busy doing movie reviews where people will read them. I know you’re terribly disappointed, all 9 of you who read my blog faithfully. Well, it’d better be faithfully, because if you’re cheating on me and reading other blogs on the side then I’ll cry and cry my little eyes out you heartbreakers! How could you do this to me?! How could you do this to our blog family?! WHY?!?!?!
Ahem, sorry. Too much “Cheating Spouses Exposed!” on Maury. Got a little carried away with the dramatics.
I know I said I’d do a movie review a week here at the blog, but I’ve just been too busy doing high quality first-run movie reviews over at Den of Geek where an adoring audience of hundreds of people see my post titles and continue on about their day without stopping to read or comment, which is a refreshing change of pace from the usual troll I attract. Must be my pants made out of troll bait or my billy-goats Gruff shoes.
On that note, would you believe that I saw and loved the new Get Smart movie this weekend? No? Well, how about that Get Smart was the #1 movie at the box office this weekend? Well, what if I told you that one day I will eventually get back on my movie reviewing horse (I named him Horse With No Name) and ride out to Bad Horror Hill and shoot down the Bert I. Gordon gang, then review whatever awful movies I come across? Is that better?
I promise, one day soon I’ll start reviewing more of the crap I smear on my eyeballs and force into my brain (thanks, TV!). Then after you read it and gouge out your eyes in horror at what I put myself through, you’ll have no one to blame but yourselves for making me actually follow through on my dumb promise. Well, yourself and the Sci-Fi Channel, I guess. I swear, NBC Universal owns more bad movies than Lloyd Kaufman and Roger Corman put together, and I just.
I’ll link you to the whole box office report, but for those interested in my take on the travesty that was The Incredible Hulk, I’ll paste the cromulent part below. Feel free to click on through to Den of Geek, though. There’s lots of other good stuff there to keep you edutained.
The Incredible Hulk rode a wave of mostly positive press (aside from DoG’s own Sarah), but most of that praise was apparently undeserved marking out for Tony Stark, because The Incredible Hulk was an Incredible Disappointment. Abysmal CGI, William Hurt’s distractingly bad mustache and hairpiece, bland acting (aside from Tim Blake Nelson, whose first appearance is shocking because he’s the first actor in the film with a little bit of energy), bad casting (Liv Tyler, really? Professor Arwen?), and more aimless running around than a track meet makes for a pretty lousy movie.
I’m not sure how this film is getting such passionate responses from the Marvel fan base, except for the fact it’s Ed Norton and not some Australian guy. Maybe I expected too much from the guy who wrote Elektra, I don’t know. After watching the film I felt as though my hopes and dreams had been crushed by a giant green CGI foot. If it’s okay for the Hulk to have facial expressions, it’s probably okay for Bruce Banner to act like he’s awake. It’s not Fight Club 2.
It goes without saying that I was, am, and continue to be very disappointed in that movie.
Subtle Bluntness 